Summer of Sadness

PulpFiction

Although it's been a year later, I still think about him and why he treated me that way. It was the summer of 2017, a friend of mine introduced me to his cousin through xbox. The boy was only a year older than me and he was quite humorous. He always knew how to make me laugh and I decided to message him personally to get to know him better. He was dating someone at the time, but he came to me explaining his relationship problems and for advice. I tried as much as I could to save it, but it came to an end. I strongly felt bad, but there was also some relief in how I felt and I didn't know why. We got into the hang of talking for hours on a daily basis. He pushed me to communicate more throughout phone calls and FaceTime even though I was afraid to. I was so use to texting that I never got comfortable with showing my face or actually speaking. There was always a little flirtatiousness when we talked, but it was subtle. I could feel my heart racing every time he messaged me which lead me to respond in seconds. I remember always dolling myself up before answering his FaceTime. When awkward silences came, we would just look at each other as if we were at peace. He would have this small grin slowly rise that instantly made me smile. I had never felt this way before about anyone, and I haven't even met the kid personally.

I had found out that him and his cousin only lived 3 hours away from where me and my friends were and we decided to all meet up. We debated on who was going where, whether my friend and I would travel down and stay at their place or they would come down here. We came to the conclusion of us going down there where they were. I was so excited to finally meet him, all the photos and phone calls got me to realize that I liked him more than a friend. He had luscious thick brown hair, smooth skin, and the perfect height that was similar to mine. I couldn't keep my mind off him the entire time I was packing and the 3 hour ride down.

When we finally arrived, I remember grabbing my bags and my friend and I walked into one of the guys house. After seeing my friend that I knew first, I continued to walk and found myself in front of him. My cheeks flushed, he was everything I expected. His grin never seized to amaze me, it would appear every time we made eye contact as if he was trying to smile, but wanted to hide it from the others. We didn't want the others knowing what was happening cause the friend that lived near me was a close friend that I've known since freshman year. He was quite the friend, but also judgmental. Men have a tendency to lack emotions, especially this one. So with whatever time the boy and I had, i cherished it.

Sometimes we would all group in one bedroom and split off one by one to take turns taking showers or to go play video games. When I found myself in the bed with the guy, giggling and chatting away, he had scooted closer towards me. Inching his hand closer til he grabbed mine. Ive never done anything romantic before, I'm such a tomboy that i've never really thought about dating. But he made me feel special, as if he were different than my other friends. He gave me a fuzzy feeling in my chest to where it felt like butterflies. It was an indescribable feeling when our hands interlocked. As if our hands were puzzle piece that just fit. This was the beginning of the uprise in my heart.

We had done that a couple times throughout the trip. Sometimes if I'm in the front passenger seat and he's in the one behind me, he would sneak his hand through the sides and grab mine. When I went to go grab some clothes from my suit case, he came behind me and asked for a hug that I couldn't reject. It felt nice being hugged, his warmth made it comforting. His strong arms made me feel protected, and I didn't want it to end. I remember us going to an amusement park and when we were split from the others, he would grab my hand proudly so everyone knew I was his. I loved holding his hand, it felt right. Ive held other hands before but not like this, I couldn't get the image of our fingers intertwining out of my head.

For our last night we decided to go camping at a local campsite, and set up two tents. As the boys set them up, I played music and shined the flashlight where it was needed. I remember us planning on going to bed right away. My friend and I slept in one tent while the other two slept together. But they didn't want the night to end so they came in our tent so we could chat and laugh. When the boy came in my tent, he crawled straight to me and turned around so he could lay his head on my lap. He asked me to comb through his hair which was his favorite feeling. My long nails softly caressing through his locks. I enjoyed it myself, but I had no idea I had so much love in me to give. I was even noticing myself changing. Im use to not caring and being tomboyish, but he brought out another side to me that others never have. As the music would play, the others would be talking while him and I were in our own little universe. He would look up at me upside down, gazing into my eyes as if nothing else existed. He asked me to rub his arms slowly and to sing to the music. I ended up siring him to sleep but he eventually had to wake up to go back to his other tent. Before he went to bed, he sent me a text telling me he loved me. Ive never know what love felt like or I was in love. I was so clueless that I couldn't say it back. I knew how I felt but I didn't know if it was that exact feeling.

The day came that my friend and I had to leave them, and it was upsetting. I hugged him one more time and walked to my car. I felt a rush of sadness rise, but I had to ignore it. As soon as I arrived back home, I then knew what love felt like. The distance between us made it harder and felt as if my heart was tightening. My ribcage was closing in on itself, collapsing my organs. I was thinking about calling him but decided it was too soon so I waited til the next morning. Had a long night, but the morning eventually came around. As I woke up thinking about him, I see a voicemail from him. I expected it to say how amazing the trip was for him and that he wanted to meet again, but the very first words I heard from him was "i'm sorry". He rambled about how I had scared him and made him feel so uncomfortable and how he didn't want to meet me. The further I went into the message, the harder it was for me to believe. He explained that he realized that we did things that would seem as if he had feelings for me, but didn't wish to continue it. At that moment I knew... he lead me on and blamed me. He made me feel it was ok to treat him with such passion and care. I had babied him and he even asked for more. It made me think that the "I love you" message was a lie. So many emotions rushed me at once and I didn't know what to think. I had just came back from a trip of hand holding, long hugs, and skin caressing. Now i'm being told that I'm creepy and uncomfortable to be around. Worst part is that he told everyone what had happened, which ruined my reputation in our friend group. People saw me as the stalker who can't take no for an answer.

I remember running to my room, balling my eyes out. I wanted to call him to sort it out and not call him at the same time. How could someone play me so hard and be ok with making me feel pathetic? It was the best, and worst summer of my life. To this day, I still think about him and how upset I was (and it's been a year). Sometimes I wonder if ill ever feel that connection again. I had to block him on everything in order to attempt to move on. But ill never forget the feeling of my heart being broken...