Memories

Aut

I loved him. SO much. His younger brother who was still older than I was, was my best friend. To me he was the most amazing guy that was alive...he is texting me at this moment to chill with him because we still do. we dated for a year off and on for about a year and a half and no matter how mush shit he put me through, I'm STILL in love with him. I don't know how to stop. my heart keeps ripping as if it isnt already torn to fucking shreds. I've tried dating other guys, tried falling in love, tried forgetting.....but it always comes back to him. He's 19 now and im 15..and I have too many memories of what used to be and what should have been.
I was basically 18 anyways, how mature my mind was from everything I had been through in my life...hahha, many of my friends say my life is just another series of Degrassi. I see now that he's an ass, but I cant stop being around him or thinking of him or how the night will turn out. His brother whose 16 is in love with me and has been for the past 3 years...but my heart still goes to Shawn when I need someone to comfort/be comforted by, or love/be loved. I feel like I'm over him when in reality I know I could NEVER let myself fall out of love with him...with that sliver of hope that fallows me everywhere I go and with everything I say and do. he lived with me for well over three months and I wasn't ever closer to someone that. He built me up completely and tore me down lower than I was before...but I still want- no -NEED to be with him. NEED to feel his touch and his love, which can never happen in the sense I want it to again. Ever since we broke up the last time...he's used me for sex and as a crutch for HIS insecurities and low self-confidence...but I'm still scared to let him go. In the process I've broken his brother's (and my best friend's) heart repeatedly but I can't stop. I can never love him the way I loved Shawn....and....my life is just so messed up i just don't care about anything or anyone anymore. But I hide it well and I'll have to for the rest of my life </3