In love with my best friend

Nina

Every day goes by my love for her keeps fading away or is it getting stronger? i really don't no anymore its complicated, am trying not to make that happen cuz for that she's gonna lose me for sure in both ways,and am not wiling to risk losing the love of my life which is my best friend.. although i could never with her, am i losing my mind? am i crazy deeply madly in love with her.. could i keep holding on to it and watch her loving and being with some one else as if nothing is wrong! I don't think i can take it anymore since i've had this feeling for her from the day i saw her five years ago and never had the courage to face it , when i couldn't stand it any more it as to late for me to talk but i took my chances and told her how i feel!! and it meant nothing to her ... nothing at all ..she rejected me to protect our friendship cause she believes that every relationship has an ending and she doesn't wanna risk losing me!!! should i keep waiting or should i just leave ? should i lose my best friend because of my selfish love or should i just go along and like nothing is wrong? lots of questions i ask my self but no answers i get..have i gone mad?i cant think clearly anymore.. am i in a coma or am i in a nightmare ? if it is i just wanna wake up .. should i wish i never new her or should i thank god for knowing her?... its funny that i've never written in my life but when it comes to this person its like am another human being not me .. i used to be the heartless heart breaker the player and i was always strong but near her am the weakest person on earth.. i keep asking my self why?why he?.. thats what i was afraid of to fall in love with the wrong person .. especially when u know this person so well she the kinda person who doesn't care about any ones feeling , a person who got hurt a lot in her life so she got no love left in her.. she got nothing to give! she might be hiding her self behind this shield fearing to get hurt again or is it because she doesn't wanna hurt me!? knowing she might lose me.. i don't even no anymore what is she thinking ? am i not her type? am i not the one?or is she falling in love with her partner?or she doesn't wanna risk hurting me? or because of curtain rules she has in her life she doesn't wanna break? its never being involve with a best friend and and never be friends with an ex ..i think am out of my mind i keep n writing with no use knowing i would never finish saying what i feel and whatt on my mind!god plz im begging you give me a hint,sign,anything or even a miracle, i don't believe this ? am i that desprit?am i that week?should i laugh or should i cry?am i pathetic in her eyes ?if she knew that am crasy about her will she give me sympathy?or wut? enough questions i need answers.. i feel lost in a big dark place where no one can get me out no creature can save me ..cant talk to any1 cant share what i feel .. cant get my advice because she was my advice she was the one always there for me getting me out of trouble making me strong .. she was the sister the brother the mother the father the best friend i never had!!shes all i see.. its like am obsessed with her or addicted to her or do i worship her? oh lord forgive me .. am i beginning to hallucinate ?? all i think of right now is seeing her smile .. i can make her happy i can be under her feet i can be her slave .. i can..i can i can .. but its not my call it not me to decide .. damn me damn my feelings .. if shes happy and fine that's all i care .. i cant think straight right now .. but maybe i should just keep it to my self and go on..