Numbing the pain only lasts so long...
natalie
01 Oct, 2010 04:05 AM
I had the perfect child hood. I was born out of love. I wasnt a mistake, I wasn't a lack of birth control or a broken condom. My mum couldn't get pregnant. She wanted a child so she took IVF, and it didn't work the first time. My dad wanted a child more than my mum.
I was born knowing my parents loved me.
That I really was wanted.
I grew up with my sisters in the most beautiful house, I was never spoiled and they raised me well.
I had a good childhood, but I hurt myself a lot. I was clumsy and my parents started shouting at me and my dad would hit my leg when I did something wrong.
I'm not sure when, but they slowly started losing all faith in me. I became nothing but a burden in their eyes.
So, the real story starts just after my 9th birthday. My dad told me he wanted to show my something and asked if I would fake sick while mum went shopping that day.
I have forever regretted this day.
I agreed, thinking it was going to be something amazing.
Oh how wrong I was.
Me and him hid behind the wall and watched mum leave out the window, as my other sisters were at school it was just me and him. I was so naive.
That was the day my father raped me.
Little did I know he'd continue it for the next 5 years.
The pain became too much for me to handle. I started cutting when I was 12 years old.
Soon after he saw my cuts. He held a knife to my throat the day I tried to fight him.
He's cut me, bitten me, licked, sucked, hurt me. He's made me do so many things to him. He used so many techniques. He whispers in my ear, everything that's wrong with me, every time I do something that makes him feel good he 'rewards' me with a hickey.
I would take panadol for no reason just to feel something.
Cutting only ever numbed the pain for awhile. The numbness never lasted long enough to satisfy me. So I just kept cutting more and more. It became my own private addiction. I always managed to hide my scars. But lucky for me they have all faded.
I'd cut deeper and deeper to try get a scar. I wanted to have something to remind me that it was real.
I would cry myself to sleep every single to the point where I stopped getting enough sleep. I was just falling downhill so fast. I had no one for such a long time, so when I found you I didn't believe it could be real.
We met online. You said you loved me like your little sister. And you reminded me every single day. Having someone there so suddenly shook me off balance...
And I fell into you.
You're girlfriend is so amazing, and I love her.
I became so attached to you, I leaned on you when I shouldn't have. I'd been on a tight rope me whole life with nothing underneath to catch me when I fell. No, every time I fall, you're there...
I knew it was bad for me to love someone so much.
But I put you through hell when I told you about my dad, every time I sat and cried as I typed out what he'd done, you always felt to helpless. I always hated it.
I stared pushing you away, but ever so slowly that you hardly noticed.
I've tried committing suicide 3 times.
He still rapes me every single time it rains. So tonight shall be fun. Its pouring with rain.
I want to know how my story ends. So until I get that finally ending: my story is incomplete and full of flaws. But that story is my life, full of flaws. Its been torn and shredded and put back together.
This story is mine, and no matter how much I cry, not mater how deep I cut, I cant change anything...
Its my life, and its painfully, and I dont want to be alive anymore. I want to end my story here and now...
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Comments
Post a Comment03 Oct, 2010 11:37 PM
i was speechless reading your story.
it hurts me so much to imagine all that shit you are going through and i am encouraging you to report your worthless dad and find out your reason for life. please don't back away from the person you are deeply in love with. don't hurt yourself. don't reward yourself with pain because life if precious and you are precious.
04 Oct, 2010 05:11 PM
if i could i'd call the cops right now, i don't even know what to say i'm sorry for you believe me i am but how can you not tell the police?
04 Oct, 2010 06:17 PM
Yubin is right. i wouldnt throw away happiness just because ur dad is making u suffer. i would report him and go with the u truely care for because when u r with some1 u love all ur pain etc just melts away.. i only wish it could b like that for me...im in the darkness from love etc so i remember what is is like 2 b in love
05 Oct, 2010 05:47 AM
hope your okay. your story made us cry in tears.if i was you i would kill him
05 Oct, 2010 06:24 AM
If i were you, i would grab a knife and stab the bitch in the eye and run like crazy. This is illeagle and he should be slautered for what hes done. call the police and tell your mum. That is not acceptable! >.<
08 Oct, 2010 07:35 PM
im so sorry to hear what ur going through but to me the best is report him to the police and tell ur mom everything... good luck hope u have a better life someday
09 Oct, 2010 06:55 AM
omg im so sorry for whats happening but you have to tell a teacher or the police you cant fix this by yourself maybe cutting yourself is like a releaf but its bad like i tried committing suicide like 4 times when i was like 7 or even younger but i learned from that experience everytime i feel sad i listen to songs and funny songs that will make me laugh..hunny dont do this to your self
11 Oct, 2010 01:14 PM
OhhMyyGoshh!! You need to tell someone! Right now I would do anything for you. Tell your mom!! You have to do something!!
20 Oct, 2010 09:55 PM
I agree with everyone else who had said something, you need to tell someone. If you don't, it'll just get worst, as sorry as I am to tell you that, it's the truth. You need to tell someone you can trust and as for cutting yourself. I don't know how many times i've thought of doing something like that but do you know what I do when I'm depressed enough to think of that. I think of the people who really matter to me. I think of the things I can accomplish, things I can do. You never know, someday, you may become famous and go down in history.
22 Oct, 2010 10:05 AM
hey! i really think you should tell someone whom you really trust and someone who doesnt know ANYTHING about your dad.. please, if you care for me and if you care for yourself.. if only im around..
if you need someone to talk to ive got msn or facebook or ym ^^
hmm mikster09@hotmail.com thats my msn.. just take that.. please please please help yourself.. life is not that bad
05 Jun, 2011 11:44 AM
I was raped like a hole bunch of times....and it too me forever to tell someone about it...and now that they know because it happened so long ago it was nothing she could do.I can't say that was good for me because of how everyones reaction was and how im treated now.I still think about it all the time and I too cut myself even now....but it's at a controlable level.I alsp tried counseling but it didnt help that much so I had to learn to help myself..and eventully I did.....
15 Jun, 2011 06:04 AM
I'm sorry what is happening in ur life.I really think that its not possible to inform police.But you can tell the person about ur story whom u trust most.Don't felt helplessness. life is short so in this short span of life u should enjoy.You can tell ur mother what happen to u.Any things happen to u that cannot be unforgetable but u can live ur another life.Don't feel uselesness i am with I will help u if I am with u now and forever.So be happy..................
08 Dec, 2011 10:29 AM
I'm So sorry ;( this put me into tears. i hope things get better for you xx
19 Dec, 2011 07:12 AM
you need to tell the cops and start your life again.your story put me into tears and i have been through alot myself but i have got my life back together and i am happy you will be to as soon as you take action
26 Dec, 2011 09:31 PM
oh my gosh you really cant let him get away with this and yet i though me getting raped was bad, but your is wrost never end your life please pray and god will listen and ask him to help and dont kill yourself i have had to many friends die and its the worst thing ever your mother would miss you like crazy and if you dont tell your dad could end up doing it to someone else and please dont let that happen
07 Jan, 2012 08:02 PM
suicide is the worst way to deal with a problem. Though you may feel helpless and lost, there are far more reasonable ways to deal with it. I dont think you should tell your mother, if you two have any trust issues, but you should tell someone that you know, and can trust with this information. I used to suffer from depression, and sometimes considered suicide as the best option. Whenever I had those thoughts, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself these questions: Is this truelly necessary, or are there more reasonable solutions? If I die, how many lives would suffer from my death? What can I do to improve my life? These questions helped me through to become the person I am today, and I hope that you do realize that, even if you may think that no one can help you, I am here for you, as well as every one else who commented on your story. We all love you. If you want to talk to me, I have a Facebook and my email is :jojoflap@yahoo.com
12 Jan, 2012 07:47 PM
- Is he stillL rapingg youu? O;<
You should prolly tell your mum .
Or a cop >.<
Suicide isn't the answer .
COPS ARE .
01 Feb, 2012 06:07 PM
You stab that bitch then cut his man thing off!!!!!!
04 Feb, 2012 08:20 PM
Wow... i had never heard a dad rape his own doughter..... that guy should go to hell when he dies. Even though im a guy, i would never rape a single person.its very wrong and i feel very sad for u :/. Also ur life is very beautiful and fragile. Never try suicide because u might not get another chance in life.
13 Mar, 2012 10:12 PM
how could someone yup love to tht to yu thts someone who is suppose to hold yu tight be there when yu fall and pick yu up not to rape yu and use yu as yur own personl gain tht a real bastard and i feel so sorry tht yu had to go through tht yu didnt diserve tht yu should have to try and kill yurself for the pain to STOP!!!!!!!!!!!
10 May, 2012 02:25 PM
I am so sorry about your life.
Please don't waste.
If you love someone seriously than just ran from there and stay with your love.
Every one has their time.....just be with your love, it will be great for you.
Don't let your dad to do this again.
Please, do it now, if you love someone from the deep side of heart than please ran from that hell....
If you need any help then here's my email id... bbanner42662@rocketmail.com
If you believe in what i said, then just mail me once..
22 May, 2012 11:59 PM
natalie, u should talk to someone about this ( maybe a close friend or a sister or brother or even your mom ) something should be done and please dont try to commit suicide u have a bright and mysterious future ahead of u, u shouldn't just throw it away..... maybe tell your teachers, maybe they can help..... but your dad should not be doing this to u, i hope u find some happiness in your life, good luck
23 May, 2012 12:01 AM
if he keeps on doing this to u, u should fight back and u shouldn't let him do this to u, cutting yourself wont solve anything, hope u have a good rest of your life, thanx for sharing
28 Jun, 2012 04:55 AM
I Wish i knew who you were so i can Smile at you and you can see in my smile there is hope peace and happiness, So you can know that care and love you even though u dont know me to take some of your pain and put it on my shoulders
01 Jul, 2012 09:00 PM
please take my advice and go straight to the police ....dont discuss it with anyone at all first ........go to the police ....i beg you it will get better .xxx
04 Oct, 2012 09:36 PM
you can put an end to that... why did you let that happend on the 2nd attemp? do something plsss...!!!
06 Oct, 2012 03:52 AM
look, i know its difficult, i can imagine that you are feeling scared of what might happen. But you shouldnt be hurting yourself, you shouldnt think that your life is over! You need to talk to someone, your mom, your sister, a teacher, the cops? you need to tell someone because you are precious and you deserve a happy life!
19 Oct, 2012 03:48 PM
I know how you feel but go to the police.Do something to get away everyone can help if you look hard enogh.Good luck fight him for your sake.
14 Dec, 2012 05:52 PM
Call the police, now. Tell somebody, NOW!! What are you waiting on? Why are you letting him continue this??? Call the police, tell your mother, tell counselers at school, or teachers; anybody. And pray.. Pray until you can't pray any longer. I've learned in my life one thing greater than my strife is his grace. Hold fast help is on the way, hold fast he's come to save the day.
08 Nov, 2013 07:48 PM
i know the feel of your father figure seeeing yu with lust. pleas report him
18 Nov, 2013 02:39 AM
Megan is correct. Scratch him beat him to the best of it abilities. If u kill urself then he could keep doing it to other people. U need to call someone. It smart and u can trick him into getting himself caught... I hope it ok
07 Dec, 2013 12:07 AM
call the danm cops.cut of his dick and make him fucking suck on it.he shouldnt do that to you.call someone!!!!call me for anything!![ps:im a girl]
24 Jan, 2014 04:06 AM
I CAN RELATE TO THIS ITS JUST SO SAD I IM CRYING READING THIS AND IM YELLING OUT IN PAIN FOR YOU I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL
24 Jan, 2014 04:06 AM
i hope everything gets better for you you will be in my prayers
10 Jan, 2015 11:31 PM
I'm so sorry for you that must have been horrible
09 Mar, 2015 01:56 AM
Ok , you need to tell your mom or one of your sisters , or the cops ok... I've been through this too sweetie and trust me , for my own father to rape me repeatedly hurts, I thought he loved me , but after that one night and many others i only saw hate in my fathers eyes , please tell someone , trust me, it hurts to much.
10 Jan, 2016 06:14 AM
what do you mean its still going on call the police you dont deserve this oh my god this happend to my best friend and she's now dead. now im in middle school she's been dead for two months
01 Mar, 2016 01:16 AM
Sweetie please, please tell someone because you really dont deserve this and i really hope that you would tell someone about this because this is just completely f***** up. Im so sry about everything