My Life As of Now

Anonymous24

As of right now, this is where I am in my life. I am still depressed due to my past experiences. I am 21 and I try to do my thing in college and live my life partying. I used to be so emo in the past because I had my heart broken once and I never thought it be broken again. All my friends finally found heir girlfriends that they stick to, while I have trouble keeping someone who would be loyal and honest with me. Many others put heir problems on me and sometimes I get so aggravated because ppl r so selfish. When i am there for them they aren't there for me. When i do things for them, they do not appreciate it. So that's y i am starting to become an asshole. Back to my main story tho, I fell in love my freshman year in college again. Long story short, she put my heart in a blender a billion times and i was always there for her. We went out for 2 years. She lied to me, cheated on me, stood me up at prom, she even told me she had a kid of 1 year and 6 months after we dated for the first few months...she continued to manipulate me and f**k me up in the head. Eventually i stepped back from it all...and realized she didn't love me even though she says she does. Eventually her daughter became close to me even though she and i broke up. She called me daddy. Then one day, the little one died of heart problems. It fucked up my semester because i did not know what to do. My ex wasn't even sane anymore, all she did was cut herself and did crazy things. And i was always there for her. Her parents died in the past where her father killed her mother then himself when she was 14. She always became depressed even though she had the money (rich) and everything she ever wanted but it was never enough. I looked past all her lies and bullshit and stayed for her cuz i loved her. Till i eventually pushed myself away from her because she fucked me over completely. To fill in the hole i had in my heart, i finally lost my virginity when i was 19. And that girl screwed me over after going back to her ex, so eventually hurt every single girl who i ended up talking to. I used to been quiet and had no dress game or haircut. I was a geek. After junior and senior year in high school, i improved greatly and my confidence was way up. I went from a good guy...to an asshole player. I continued to hurting girls till i ended up hurting myself by watching them all cry eventually. I grew past that, but i still believe there's no point in being a good guy...why? Because good guys always finish last. There will always be a cuter guy than me. There will always be someone who has a better body. After a couple years my ex and i ONCE IN A BLUE MOON, would hit each other up to check up on each other. We used to try to get each other back at the wrong times. I didn't talk to her in a while then she hit me up in May 2010. She wanted to check up on me and be friends again which i had no problem with but i did not plan on getting back with her because i was no in love with her anymore. It was in the past. Then she told me she wanted me back and I told her i did not have time for this because i had finals. She cried got angry and asked if i still loved this other girl and i said yes. That girl is another story but i was just being there for her as a friend because she does not have much long to live. She did not understand that. a few days later my ex hits me up saying sorry and at that moment...i knew something was wrong because i know her like the back of my hand. I asked whats wrong. She said nothing. Usually i push her and find out whats wrong but that would always lead to an argument so i left it alone thinking she would be fine. A couple weeks later her brother hits me up telling me what did i do and i'm like what are you talking about? and he told me she committed suicide and left me, her best friend, and him a note. I did not want to read the note. Until a month later i read it, she basically said i could have saved her when i knew something was wrong. She said i always saved her everything but not this time. I'm over it. But at the same time i do think about her cause i did miss our friendship. She was one of the biggest assholes but was one of the greatest friend i ever had. I feel depressed because I feel lonely. I feel like i cant find a girl worth my time or has a good head on their shoulders even at this age. All girls are the same to me. They all say a bunch of bullshit and then end up fucking you over in the end. That is why i feel like i will never trust or take anyone seriously. I recently got hurt but some dumb girl who wasted my time and I'm just done completely. It takes so long for me to give someone a chance and once they fuck up...I'm done for a long time. I get depressed to the point i party so much and a couple weeks ago i drank myself almost into a coma where my friends had to take care of me. I had to be that asshole throwing up on himself knocked out on the stairs outside my apartment. I don't know what to do and i don't want no boost. I just need to know what i should do. Like its so hard because a lot of stress and pressure has been ripping me apart. and i just wish i had that someone...who's there. Just actually understands me for me and look past all my flaws i guess. All he good girls are taken though ;). Too bad they all go out with a bunch of cheating selfish assholes who don't appreciate them but yet they stick around. If you read this whole thing...well i give u props haha. =/