Email That Changed Everything

TheGuy

Four years I moved into this little town in Minnesota and it was the end of summer and I was still upset about why we moved because I missed my old friends. School was going to start and I was nervous, upset and scared. I didn't like being new. The first day came and I met all the people and I saw this girl. She was beautiful, but unlucky our class were separated into 2 classes. 7A and 7B. I was in 7A and she was 7B, so I never really got to meet and understand her. Little did I know she had a crush on me too but we both never really talk to each other or get to know each other. Of course middle school went by and I had my ex and she had her ex. Finally it was freshman year and everything went well, until I started to like her and her friend. It was the end of freshman year and she asked me if I liked her and I thought and I knew she would be a great friend and I didn't want to lose her so I told her no and that she was only my friend. That was stupidest thing ever and not only did it hurt me it hurt her as well. Again another year passed by I had another ex and she still had her boyfriend that she started dating after I told her no. Later she had trouble and so came to talk to me about them. I was everything to her. I guided her, I advise her, she was my best friend. Other people thought we were dating but I knew we could only be friends. One day she told me about her boyfriend and their problems and I always listen and help her. We usually talk for hours but this time we talked all night on the phone. She explained everything to me. I helped her and I didn't know but I had fallen for her on the way. Every now and then she would ask me who I like and I would say no one but I would tell her I had something very important to tell her in 2 years. The thing I had to tell her was that I loved her. This was sophomore year but I knew it was true love. At least I thought anyways. One day I decide to write it in her journal in case I forgot; bad Idea because she had liked me too and we would chat online for hrs and then one day she told that she and her boyfriend broke up. I was there for her and then they got back. One day she found my note I wrote in her journal and she decided to tell me she liked me too. Instead of telling me she spent a whole drag with we trying to think of ways to tell me. Of course I told her I was going home so she had to just tell me or I'm leaving. Right there she kissed me on my cheek and I knew she liked me. She and her boyfriend broke up the Next day which I thought was good because he didn't know how to treat her. Then for the next 3 months we became very close friends and we even hug and I once kissed her but I was too shy to ask her out. Finally I decided to ask her and she said yes. I thought my life was complete but I was wrong. It seemed liked we loved each other and everything was great. We laughed, we kissed, I sent her flowers for month anniversaries; then she told me she had to go France with her mom. The whole summer was missing her and The last 4 weeks of summer she left to France. Her ex boyfriend before me was he first cousin and he was in France as well. Of course I didn't want her to go but she did. Then a few days later she emailed me. Her emailed said her trip was fine and that she is excited to come back and meet me again her friend. I was confused. A friend? What? So I emailed her hack. It took her a while but she emailed me back saying that when she was with me she only saw me as brother and a friend. That there were no sparks between us. She always wrote that she wanted to be happy and not pretend and that her was already taken. I was nothing to her. I didn't matter. She said She wanted to tell me before it was too late and she was going to except her sister kept her from telling me. I didn't know what to do. I emailed her back congratulating her and her boyfriend; I didn't want to be mean. So I pretended it was okay. She also said that no matter how perfect I am she can't love me and no matter imperfect he is she cannot not love him. I cried that whole night. I wanted to just kill myself because of how stupid I was. But I didn't. I cut myself every once and a while to let the pain out. I fake a smile each day because I go to school with her. I see her. We barely talk now and I hate myself for it. I know I shouldn't miss her and my friends tried to say it's her fault but I always blame myself. If only I had said yes in freshman year everything would be fine, except I didn't. So now i'm a junior and so is she. We see each other but we barely talk. I'm afraid if I talk to her about something serious I might cry. I don't know what to do now. I wished her and her boyfriend luck and I tried to be her friend again but one of her friend told me that her boyfriend told her to stay away from me, so I'm not sure what to do. I say I don't like her anymore and I don't care but I do. I miss her dearly. Who's fault is it and what should I do?