Death is the Only Escape

Pal

Everything happens for a purpose. We all experience fortunate accidents. These are not accidents though, these are predestined.

I was in first year high school when I admitted to myself that I am a bisexual human being. Yes, i get attracted to the same sex. I was 12 years old when I prayed to God that, before I will have a boyfriend I want to have a girlfriend first, then have a boyfriend then. It is a very deep secret to hide my true color. Nobody knows my secret but only God. I hide from the closet but nothing can be hidden. Everything will go out no matter how hard you try to hide it. I don't have a boyfriend nor a girlfriend when I was in high school until five years after that when I reached second year college.
I met this girl named Sai. She's my classmate. We didn't feel anything special for each other at first. We became good friends because of alcohol. After having some drinks, we kissed and that's how we became close. It was September 5, 2009, we were with our drinking friends when we just feel like doing a game. And so our relationship begun. But three days after she broke up with me because she didn't want to hurt me and his ex-boyfriend who wanted her again. I accepted it but I never thought I'll become affected when my classmate asked me what's wrong. I've noticed that I was acting odd, I'm floating like my thought is flying. I know it was just out of trip. Of course, our relationship was just really out of trip. She courted me in the jeepney and I said yes in the restroom. Who's in normal thinking would think it was serious, huh? But I was trapped. I feel loved so much by this woman. I'm in love with her. For the sake, she didn't want to hurt people because she was once hurt and it really hurts. And so, she tried to love me. We bring our relationship back. We had unforgettable moments. It was just a secret relationship. Only few of our friends knew about it. Some have gossiped about us even our families have doubts but still our love grows. I can't live without her. My day is incomplete whenever I can't see her. We always hang together. Have some weekend sleepover at her house. She talks a lot and makes me laugh like no other. She comforts me when I'm sad because of some family matters. We really like each other but fights are normal. We have some silent modes. July 2010 is in. This month is the saddest. We started fighting unlike the normal fights we had. Every fights get serious. I get jealous as well as she does. July 17 was the last fight. I didn't talk to her for a stupid reason. She didn't helped me in getting something. I know it's stupid. But, yeah, I didn't talk to her for that. She went to my boarding house to be okay with but still i ignore her. I should have swallowed my pride. I just let her go home without saying a word. We text so dryly the day after. And then, I text her I have a fever. I wonder why she didn't reply to my text. I was a bit angry because she didn't reply. She didn't care if I'm sick. I'm trying to text her but there's no reply after all. I get some rest because I really feel ill that time. Then, at 3am I received a call from her childhood friend, Cassy. She told me not to be shock. She told me that Sai was in the hospital she was comatose. I was so shocked that there was no word out. I can't believed it. I took a bath even I feel sick and rushed to the hospital. I saw her mom in tears. I can't comfort her because I was really shocked. My thoughts are floating in the air. I really can't believe it. It crushed my heart like a bulldozer running over a stone. My school uniform was burned when I was pressing it. I'm out of my mind. Sai was confined in the hospital and still comatose. She was suffering from AVM (arteriovenous malformation). It was our exam week and I can't really concentrate. She was in the hospital for five days and God took her. My world fall apart. I don't know what to do. I wanna die with her. I can't eat. I can't take good care of myself. I don't take a bath. I don't sleep. I break into tears whenever I'm alone and whenever i remember her. I almost cry every minute. My world was torn apart. I don't know what to do.
I have suicidal thoughts but I didn't attempt even once because I remember she told me to never to attempt suicide because life is so beautiful if you just know how to appreciate it. Even though I really want to commit suicide but I can't. I never did. I failed my exams. I cried every now and then. I really can't believe she'd died. She'd promised me that she'll never leave me..