Black Swan

Charles

The Black Swan.
I know, I know. You might already have your own interpretation of what the movie ?Black Swan? means to you, but believe me, you have no idea what it means to me.
The movie itself was questionable?Meaning, when I first saw the trailer my immediate reaction was, ?Great, a stupid movie about a ?confused? woman with some over-dramatic drama about her problems. I was dead wrong?.
Yes, the movie was EXTREMELY inappropriate and, yes, It includes explicit sexual drama, and explicit language?but the theme of the movie spoke to me, in a way i?ve never been spoken to before-and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn?t ignore it.
The movie is about a girl named Nina who FINALLY has her dream come true about playing the lead in the ballet production of the Black Swan. Long story short, she is literally driving herself to insanity in order to make herself ?perfect?.
You see, the reason why this movie spoke to me the way it did is because i?m in the exact position Nina is in (Sounds weird, I know, but it?s true). I?m writing a book that is taking me 4 years to finish. I am TRULY stressing over it because I feel that every one will humiliate me over it-but that?s just the beginning.
Have you ever been so obsessed with something that it took over your life? Something that you so desperately want to succeed, it starts to physically and emotionally hurt you? Have you ever purposefully lived in the ?world? that you created because the ?real? world hurts you more than a bullet? Well, that?s what Nina and I have in common. We so desperately want to be perfect and won?t stop until the world sees it for themselves. Even if the journey leaves the most horrific mark on our skin that is more permanent than a tattoo.
Also, what about our constant fear about our ?self-image?? In the film, one of the things that captured me, was the Nina vs. Nina effect. What is that you may ask? Well, Nina?s understudy for The Black Swan was played by a young, sultry, carefree girl named Lily. Lily was the favorite among the director (and cast) in the Black Swan.
Gosh, this is the part that TRULY made my jaw drop because of how mind-blowingly similar it was to my life.
The Scene: (Nina enters her dressing room with tears in her eyes because she fell in front of the entire audience during her scene as the White Swan). Lily is in her dressing room putting make-up on and says this:
Lily: A rough start, huh? Must have been pretty humiliating.
Nina: Get out of my room!
Lily: See, I?m just worried about the next act. I?m not sure you?re feeling up to it.
Nina: Stop. Please stop!
WHAT LILY SAYS NEXT HIT ME LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN.
Lily: How about I dance the black swan for you?
Right now i?m guessing your more than a little confused-so i?ll break it down for you. When Lily turns around and says ?How about I dance the black swan for you?? Her face immediately turns into Nina?s. Long story short, in every scene where Nina saw Lily dancing and performing the Black Swan-it was really Nina. (Confusing? Well let me put it another way) The moral of this film is that YOU are the only one standing in your way. STOP comparing yourself to someone else and just let go! This is your life, this is your dream. Go after it with full force and NEVER let insecurities get in your way. The ending was the tear-jerking moment of the film. Everybody was congratulating Nina while she rested on a sofa hurt, but happier than she has ever been. She was complete. She was happy. She was perfect.
I have a male version of Lily in my life (minus all sexual and romantic stuff?) His name is Jonathan, and our relationship is strictly based on jealousy. He doesn?t like me, I don?t like him. It?s very fake-and I wish, with everything I have, that it was different. I wish we were friends again instead of two hurt people who can?t stand to be in the same presence.
When I saw Nina hurt and entering her room with tear-filled eyes and Lily was there taunting her. My jaw dropped. This is EXACTLY how I feel! All my life, I wished I was like Jonathan. Attractive, Athletic, Charismatic, Liked by everyone around me, wanted, and most importantly, being a leader-not a follower. Therefore, when I saw that scene I couldn?t help but feel EXACTLY the way Nina was feeling. I would imagine it would be: ?Why!? Why would you want to take my part? Why can?t I have this ONE thing! Why can?t I be the star for ONCE! Why can?t I feel attractive and wanted!??. It was hard to sit through, but the next scene was a real eye opener. After Lily says ?How about I dance the Black Swan for you?? Nina immediately runs at her, pushes her into glass and it causes Lily to lay there on the ground (appearing to be knocked out) The scene then turns and Lily grabs Nina by the neck screaming, ?it?s my turn! my turn. my turn?. Nina (who picks up a piece of broken glass), stabs Lily (and with the most spine-chilling and soul felt voice) Nina screams ?IT?S MY TURN!?. At the end of the movie we see that it is Nina who has stabbed herself (see how cool that is! she stabbed the person who has been taunting her and making her feel that she doesn?t have what it takes to be the Black Swan! she thought it was Lily-but it was really her. She killed her inner demon and was set free).
What am I saying? I?m not looking to stab Jonathan or hurt him in any way. I?m looking to stab the inner voice that tells me i?m not good enough. That voice is 100% from the devil. He tries to make me feel like i?m not good enough. That i?m not attractive enough, athletic enough, or liked enough.
In everything I do nowadays I compare it to Jonathan. ?Would Jonathan take that type of Profile Picture?? ?Would Jonathan walk like this?? ?Would Jonathan be friends with them?? ?Would Jonathan get asked out by that girl??.
That?s got to stop-It has to. I?m stronger and better than that. I?m gonna have my Black Swan moment. I?m gonna kill that inner demon. It might take some time?but it will happen. It has to. It?s what i?m living for right now. That book will happen, and it will be ?Perfect?.
The final act. Your final dance! You?ve tasted your dream. Touched it! Only to have it crushed. Your heart is broken. Wounded! Your life force fading. The blood drips. The black swan stole your love! There is only one way to end the pain. You?re not fearful, but filled with acceptance! And you look down at Rothbart and then at the Prince. And then yes, and the audience! And then you jump!. -Thomas Leroy, Black Swan.