blink of an eye

Louiese

Last night I woke up crying, my heart is so heavy and I felt so awful. I do not have anybody to speak with that can actually understand me.
I was 12 when a fellow teen walked towards me and offered a handshake, I noticed that that his callous hands were shaking. Everything about him was perfect, and my cousins are after him.The only thing that bothered was his status, he is a farmer's son and my family will definitely kill me if I'll ever like him. Now, I know that this situation sounds too old, but it still exists in 3rd world countries. He courted me for 4 years, and my answer was always NO. I was a coward, even though I like him my pride won't let me say my true feelings I was worried sick that people will laugh at me and my parents will never approve of him. At 16 I gave in and we've been a couple, but after 2 weeks my mother found out about it and sent me to the city for college. I moved on with my life and found a suitable bf but somehow I still miss my ex bfs smell of grass, sweat and poverty..his bright smile even when I know he is tired from working in the field. I was allowed to come home after my graduation I was 20, that day the countryside looked more special to me I missed my childhood. That night I woke up because of a commotion outside, I went out and there he was kneeling on the floor in front of my mother begging her to talk to me. He gave me a tight embrace and told me I grew up beautifully I wanted to tell him the same thing but I was so scared..he showed me an old cellphone brand and proudly said he saved money to buy it so we can keep in contact, he also said that he is saving money to enroll as a mechanic. He missed me so much he kept on weeping, he was so innocent and handsome with simple ambitions in life. He told me he will wait for me and that he loved no one but me.2 days after I was informed that I need to go to New Zealand and live with my sister, I said yes. I moved on again and thought I forgot about him, 2 months ago I came home for a vacation and heard that he is living with a girl already I told myself SO WHAT? In the plaza I felt like somebody is watching me and saw him he looked so tired and he is carrying his baby, his partner was selling rice cakes so I come up and buy some. She is pretty and looked so happy with him, he just stared at me did not even smile I asked the baby's name and it is John. The girl laughed and teased him, she said "I know you louiese, our baby's name is John Louie". My nickname is louie. He finally uttered something, "please stay safe and try to visit our country once in a while I still like to watch you marry and have a family and also to see you grow old". I am now 24, successful and independent but I just realized that these things cant buy me happiness the love of my life has finally moved on I feel so empty I feel like dying. I wish I had enough courage to fight for him, I was stupid now I regret everything I am wishing that I can take the place of his partner, now I won't mind selling rice cakes as long as I have him beside me. If only I can turn back and I would have stick with him and not to care about the stupid society, I never had the chance to tell that I love him