That love was wrong(kinda long)

K!M

I know this guy from my childhood,we used to play together and we became friends.i know him about 8 years he was very funny guy and we always been together everywhere.we are in a large family friends group
that going everywhere together for outing,party...these kinda stuff.
Everybody in our group knew that me and
him always stick together and they always could find us together.it was great when we were best friends,we always used to sit next to each other laughing,joking and make fun of everything,we always had great time together only sometimes argue for little things that would solve quickly.

Times passed and i had different feelings for him which i knew he also had the same feelings because of his weird behavior.but it was kinda hard for me to accept it because I'm 19 and he is younger than me,and i was asking my self why would i have different feelings for him!he's younger than me and i ashamed
to show my feelings and because of my pride i always pretended that there's nothing more than a friendship between us.

But it was also hard for me when he was talking with me about his girlfriend which he broke up with only after short relationship.

I remember it was a party at their villa and we were all there together(family friends group),having fun like always.at the end of night i don't know what came up to me that i asked him:
is there anything you ever wanted to tell me but you couldn't?

He looked in my eyes with smile on his face and said:yes but what about you?i said:yes but i asked first then you should answer first....so and on and on.everybody were leaving and my family were waiting for me so we said goodbye and we couldn't say anything about that to each other.

When i got home i received text from him,he said:if I'm thinking about what you thinking,it's true i also feel the same...
and we decided to talk about it tomorrow,where we were suppose to meet with group in a fast food for dinner.

We sat next to each other and eating our dinner,talking,laughing just normal like always,then we found a place there to be alone and talk...till then i didn't know he's shy at this point!it was hard for him to tell his feelings.after a few minutes trying to say something about that,he said he wants me to be his girlfriend
and he said it was about years that he had different feelings for me and he was afraid to tell me because he thought i refuse.
so we started talking about situation and the relationship that we started.i was happy and a bit nervous that moment,i never had such feeling for any guy before,i might liked some guys but not much as i liked him.

Months passed and we were happy together we never had bad conversation and hardly have argue.we were kinda worry for our relationship because sometimes we both felt like we are still like the old friends we used to be.sometimes i didn't even feel that he's my boyfriend how ever i loved him.but he said we'll make it different.he always said he loves me and i could only say the same few times not always because of my pride it wasn't easy for me to say that.but in my words it was easy for him to understand that i love him.
so as everyone describes love,i was in love with him.

Our relationship didn't changed and i decided to speak with him about it so that we could find a way to solve this.
a few days ago before new year it was a party and we all family friends were together having fun like always...
i told him that i wanna speak with him so we went for walking,i was nervous and didn't know where to start.so i said our relationship hasn't changed and i don't feel that you are my boyfriend we better try to make our relationship stronger.he said he feel the same and agreed with me.some how i wanted to break up with him but i loved him and i thought if i give him time he'll make it alright.so i didn't do that but inside i felt this relationship is wrong,but i couldn't help my feelings.i even told him if he wants to break up with me then say it to me not to stay with me on pressure.

It was third day of new year that he called me and said:our relationship hasn't changed we're still like past....that was the time that i felt he wants to break up with me but he didn't know how to say to not hurt me.so i said:i get it you want to finish this?he said:NO NO,i love you and i want to be with you,let's be separate for a few days and see how hard it would be for us to not be together and it might help to make our relationship stronger.
then i accepted his decision and said:it's ok with me if u think this is the better way let's do it and tell me when ever you thought it's enough to be separate;)

Tomorrow of that day he texted me and said:that's enough(just for joking)and continued:are you agree with me that our worlds are very different?i just said yes.
he texted again:our relationship is like our friendship,nothing's changed and i don't think that ever change.do you want to finish this????

That was the moment that i felt someone stab a dagger in my heart,it was like all those happy memories crushed.i felt lost but because of my pride i said:if it is what you want i have nothing to say,i won't force you to stay with me.but with that you showed me that you never loved me.
he said:i proposed you because i loved you,i really didn't mean to hurt you,I'm really sorry and i don't want this to ruin our friendship.
i couldn't believe he said that so i said:your love wasn't enough otherwise you would try to make our relationship different and stronger not to runaway with finishing it and i don't think i can be with you like past this soon.
he also admitted that he felt like a jerk and felt he played my feelings,he was sorry but it wasn't enough for me because my heart was broken</3
he called me and tried to talk to me and cheer me up or explaining but i rejected him.

Now it's about 2 months that we also see each other in group at parties but we don't even say hi,i don't wanna see his face again because it makes me feel bad and reminds me of what he did to me.my friends says he'll come back but i doubt it and if he even comes back i won't have the same feelings for him that i had.

All i can say now is that love was wrong,i don't know he really loved me or not but i feel regret that i accepted that relationship because it ruined our friendship which won't coming back...when we used to sit next to each other,everywhere together,laughing,joking,making fun of everything...sometimes i miss that.now it's what i can't get it back....and i only hope that things would be better:(

Thanks for reading my life story and feel free to leave comments