Love or Lust?

Bethany Roberts

Upon entering high school, one of the most popular advices that can be given is to not believe in love. And well what do we do? We believe in love.
It was one of the beginning years of high school that I thought my life was quite honestly ?perfect?. Not to sound like a typical snotty teenager, but I had the life. I had the money, the boyfriend, and the ?best friends.? The posse and I did absolutely everything together, from eating to shopping to clubbing and to sleepovers. We also shared everything from books to clothes also. The year drifted by and we were still great friends. However, that began to change quickly the following high school year. I believe it was my last or second to last year of high school. I was still going out with the same guy but I decided to distant myself from the group because I soon realized they were the type of girls that would be there NOW but not later when you really needed them.
The school year was drawing to an end and I decided to take a vacation with my family. Not to sound all ? I have magical powers? but I did honestly have an erry feeling when I was out of town. When I came back to town I asked one of my girlfriends did anything happened that I should know about, and she replied with no. I kept asking her until she broke. She finally admitted and said, well when you were gone, we went to the club and Slore kissed your boyfriend. I was never really mad at either of them but I did end up breaking up with him and dropping her as a ?best friend?. I went on and continued to be the same jolly me until I met my current boyfriend now.
It was my senior year of high school and everything was going absolutely swell. I finally found someone that I was actually truly happy with and well I fell in love. One night he asked me about why didn?t I associate with that group of girls anymore and I started telling him about my past incident. And he replied with ?well I would never do that to you.? The girls would always try to bicker and start stuff but I could really careless because I already had everything and anything I wanted and I knew they were just jealous.
It was one of my guy friend?s birthday one night and he decided to throw his event at the club. Not being interested in that scene anymore, I told him I couldn?t make it and told me boyfriend to just go alone. A few months passed by after that birthday party and me and the boyfriend had somewhere somehow hit a rough patch and started fighting a lot. I started getting really hot tempered and I was willing to take my anger out on anyone that was wanting to start a mess. And who do you think was the first person? Slore. First it started off like any argument then she made a sharp turn and began asking about me and the boyfriend. I told her we were on a break and she said ?well in that case. I have something to tell you.? She started going into detail about the birthday party event and how my boyfriend and her kissed. Not only did I want ro ring her neck for hitting strike two but she had the nerves to talk me through and say ?I believe yall are strong and can last through this.? all I kept thinking was are you fucking serious? You?re the reason for everything. You have no say you piece of s---.
I ended up confronting the boyfriend, and he did the obvious thing of trying to deny everything. I don?t know how, but I ended up forgiving him. I don?t know if it was just to piss Slore off that her whoring was no longer phasing me or if it was because I really love him. After that incident came out, everything began going down hill from there. He started going out more, smoking more, flirting more, hooking up with girls more. And I would always somehow find myself to forgive him. Even though he treated/treat me like my previous ex before him, I can always look the other cheek. Well until recently. He?s been doing more stupid things like getting tattoos, wanting stupid cars and well trynna be an attention whore. It been a couple of years since everything and I know everyone changes a little here and there BUT not like he has. From the way he talks, to the way he looks, to the way he acts, everything is just different. After everything that he has put me through I'm still here with him and waiting for him to get out of rehab hoping he?ll change back.
It?s been just way too long with this guy and I'm quite frankly tired. I'm tired of waiting for him to change, waiting for him to realize, waiting for him to want me again. But then I always remember, what kind of person would I be if I walked away right now when?s he?s going through a rough patch in his life. I don?t know if I'm with him because I love him, because I feel like I have to be, or because I'm just use to being there for him. Any choice that I do decide to make, I know that I'm just setting myself up to be hurt. I'm hurt with him, and i'm hurt without him. Or do I just think that?