Sleepless Nights

Frankie Julbe

Sleepless Nights


12:45 in the morning, I cant take anymore, but I have to, I have to see you. My shift is coming close to its end, "Penelope" called the nurse. There you were escaping the shadows of darkness that room behold of you,. The light touch her exquisite features, long dark hair past her shoulders and fragrance of ocean breeze, lips as red and flawless as a bloom rose, eyes so captivating that shocks all my senses, you are flawless in every way imaginable, you are my burning desire, my endless love, and yet the most beautiful and good hearted suffers a mental disorder. I've only started to work in this psychiatric ward for 2 months and these months will rain forever more happiness then, than in my lifetime. Penelope was suffering from Schizophrenia and I was just a staff there. It was December 20 the day I met my Penelope a couple of days before Christmas, it was a busy day, the staff was organizing patients leaving or receiving family members for those who had them. I was standing in the television lobby where all patients get together watch tv or play cards. The patients were going to see the psychiatrist to get leaving time and there was like 50 patients almost the whole ward, the team leader asks me to give a round check to see if there was all the patients so I go around my checks and in room 12B there's a girl standing looking outside these barred window, I knock she didn't seem to hear so I open the door, step in and as I do she turns her head and gives me an angelic smile, my heart melted I was so stun by her natural beauty I forgot what I was doing there I probably was standing there for like 2 minutes before she approaches me and asked "you must be the new guy", "yes, yes, no, I mean YES" I was nervous never in my life have I seen a mortal goddess stand before me. "Is there anybody coming to see you on Christmas" I asked. She turned looked out the window and said "No I have nobody". How could she be alone I thought I would of thought she had a boyfriend or husband. "You don't" I asked "no I'm alone, I have a mom and dad but they wont come" she said " have you tried calling them or writing them?" I asked "yea I've been writing them everyday since I've been here but I had no response" she said "that's terrible" I said "No not really" she said "may I asked why, Penelope" , "my mental illness has a up side" she said "What???" I asked very sincerely "I'm never"alone I have friends they'll be here" she said "but I thought"." she interrupted me and said " they live in my head I'm the only one that could see them". My god, what hell are you going through I asked myself. that way I never be alone no matter what happens" she said. A bell has rung it was time for there pills, as I proceeded to walk out her room she grabs my arm and asks my name I tell her "Frankie" then she says "Well Frankie, it was a pleasure. If only I would of met you in a different setting". I couldn't really say anything you see I'm the shy guy when it comes to females, so I left it at that, stunned, in the walk way watching her skip with melody just to get her pills, funny I thought. Two hours past and I was in the staff room and my boss tells me to go do round checks. I start from one side which is 1A on the left and 1B on the right, boy and let me tell you Hollywood has no comparison on real life mental illness patients. I finally reach to 12B and there she is Penelope looking out the window she turns and sees me as if she knew I was coming. She smiles and waves at me, OH GOD, I just really would love to take her out of there just so I could talk to her, to tell her how these hours in this ward are all so magical just by her being in this building just as I am. I passed by her room like 20 times just so I could wave and smile at her, then the last wave and smile she was laughing at me knowing that I was just flirting with her. I get beep on my walkie talkie and my boss tells me to report. So I decided to pass by her room one last time and there she was, Penelope, she blows me a kiss and I grab with my hands, she smiles and laughs and waves again. I leave her the same wave and smile, then I proceed to the staff room and my boss tells me its time to clock out good job on the first day. No not yet please let me stay longer I thought to myself. So doing as my boss says I clock out and proceed to leave the office the exist is on the left while the rooms are on the right of the office. So I'm leaving turning my head looking at room 12B with the slightest hope I could see her on the corner window from her door and there she was..

That night was so hard to fall asleep, I was just thinking about her, about Penelope, what can I say, how can I act, what should I do, every time I enter the sleep realm I see her face and I get a burst of energy.

The next day I called to see if I worked because they still have not made me a schedule and my boss says I had off, I knew before he answer me that I already did. My mom came to visit me and fix this little garden I had in my backyard she loves flowers and everything that deals with that topic. I see her putting her little gloves on and kneeing on the soil taking the weeds out. "Frankie you really got to start taking good care of this lawn" "I know mom but with this job and me going to school I be exhausted" " So how is your CSI schooling going or better yet how's your love life?" "Schools going good and yes mom I met a girl" "Yea Frankie how is she, what is she like, when am I going to meet her, what classes is she taken?" "Well mom she is not in my school and she is very polite and beautiful and I really don't know if she feels the same about me" "Come on son what girl could resist a handsome devil like you, and where did you meet her?" "Well mom she lives where I work" "What!!!!" she yelled. So I told her how we met and how we flirted. Then she comes out and says "Well son looks like you got yourself a diamond in the ruff"..Frankie the white knight?. Ha that was funny mom really knows how lighten my day.

The next morning my eyes were burning and my head was pounding from another sleepless night, but I got up as fast as I could get up I even got to work an hour early. The patients were all scatter though out the building some in the tv room some outside in the fenced in yard. I was just scooping this building just to find her and I didn't . Three hours went by without no sign of her I was going crazy myself I thought she must of ran away or something even more serious but I ease drop on a conversation the nurse was having with the staff and I really couldn't hear it well but what I heard is the Penelope is in solitary confinement for biting one of the staff. I didn't have access to it unless if I was doing rounds. An hour past that seemed like an eternity the patients have received there medication and after medication they return to there rooms. So my boss tells me go do my rounds I fly past those room with a one second look, until I reach the end of this hall and there it was THE ROOM where they kept a very small doorway keeping me from her, I open it. There she was with her back against my view, in a corner sitting next to her bed on the floor. It was a horrible for me to see her like this, I felt like crying my feeling were unexplainable. My thoughts race of Why and a million answer unsolved. My heart race as if I was having a panic attack of reason my longing to see her and seeing her here. Then she turned her head from sorrow and grief to happy and tearful. "what happen Penelope?" I asked, She said she didn't want to take her medicine because it clouds her thoughts and makes her seem like she's a zombie. The reasons why she bit one of the staff was because they were trying to force the pills down her throat. I Must have been there for like an hour, then walks in my boss "What are you doing here Frankie'" I had no idea what to say. Then Penelope tells him that I was comforting her because she was thinking of suicide. You see, a staff member cant be inside a patients room unless if he or she is doing harm or thinking about harming itself. So my boss leaves thinking that was the truth. "I was thinking about you Frankie that day I first met you, I couldn't sleep". " I stood up all night just waiting to see you the next day". "Penelope I thought of you as well, I've never in my life had problems sleeping until I met you" "Three hours past and I cherish those hours, I was making pictures memories every time she smile, scratch her head, fixed her hair. My walkie talkie beep and my boss said to take her back to her room. As I proceeded to walk out I felt lovely hands of what soft and desire combined grabs mines then she asked "May we join hands as we walk?" "Of course Penelope" as I said those words she laid her head upon my chest embracing one of my hands with both of hers. Her sensational smell full my nose of exotic images I never been to. As we walk and we approach her room, she gives me a kiss on my cheek then she smiles and leaves the lights that enhances her feature to a shadow and darkness room where a small square window lets some sun lights enter. I head back to the staff room and as soon as I head back, its round checks. Starting at 1A then 1B but this time I took my time now knowing that she really likes me as I do her. I reach 12B and there's a letter underneath the door I reach down grab it and before I open it she knocks on the window and says don't open it until you get home, she winks her eyes at me smiles and blows me a kiss. I finish my rounds and head back to the staff room. "Go home Frankie" my boss says "Can I get more hours in today I ask?" "I don't have hours to give, come tomorrow the earliest you could" "OK boss". I start to head out and I turn my head looking at 12B and there she is"""..

Another sleepless night this time I am thinking about when will she get out and if she would still talk to me or if I was just a side track to her but whatever I was to her I didn't care as long as if I was at least next to her.

The next morning I forgotten that she had written me a letter I open it up and it wasn't a letter but a self portrait of herself. It was really a beautiful piece of art I place it inside of a frame and placed it next to my bed. I reach work at soon as I could I clocked in and headed towards the tv room and she was sitting on a chair reading a book , she must of forgotten to comb her hair that day because it was a mess but she looked dashing. I approached her she looked up at me and smile ask me to sit down and she read to me. She read a story about a wolf dog saving peoples life, "Interesting book" I said to her, "It really is".I love books has anything to do with any animals, it's my passion" she said, "Would you like to walk with me outside, it's a lovely day" she asked "Of course" I said. "I have something to show you " she said smiling. She grabs my hands leads me outside and in the middle of this square fenced in yard was a tree not a very big tree but a small one. She was starring at the tree then she started a very low whistle, underneath the tree roots I saw two round small eyes with pointy tiny ears and as she proceeded to whistle out came this flying squirrel. She kneed down and open her palms to this tiny creature, the squirrel seem to know her because in an instant it jump right towards her into her palms. I've seen her smiled before but never like this. She told me she found it one night that it must of glided in from one of the nearby trees and couldn't get back out so it was stuck here, she tells me his name and what she feeds him and that everyday she comes out to plays and talk to him, how she going to bring him home when she gets out. It was magical almost like a Princess movie. The bell rung she kiss her furry friend goodbye let him go and she started to skip "you make me feel like a little girl" she said. We both head in she takes her pills and heads to her room, 15 minutes past and it was room checks. This time I played it by the books, I looked into each room carefully and it must of taken me 7 minutes before I reached 12B. She was sitting on her bed looking onto an invisible being just talking to herself and I could hear her so I go a little past her room and stand between 12b and 13B and I hear her say "He's everything I looked for my whole life" then a long silence like a ghost was answering her back "Since I met him I feel so much better, he keeps my hallucinations at bay" she answers back to her invisible friend. "I will continue to see him I don't care what you say leave me alone" she's screaming at this empty space in front of her. "He's coming it's round check I'm going to see him, your dead anyways leave me alone" she started crying saying these last words to her ghostly friend. I walked in as she turns her head smiling with teardrops escaping her eyes, I brush her hair back and wipe her tears and she tells me that she wants me to leave her alone. So I leave the room head back towards the staff room and once again not to my surprise "Clock out" he yelled. So I head towards the exit I look back and she wasn't in her doorway window. I felt crushed I quickly rushed home took a shower and I was standing there for like a hour thinking what could I have done that her ghostly friend. Hours past and it was night time, so I decided to go to sleep early and nothing still the same her face, her face, her face is all I see, I could feel it's another sleepless night.

I wake up the next morning to a ring, I take a look at the clock and it reads 6 in the morning I probably only slept for 3 hours. I pick up the phone and it's my boss telling me to come in. I was thinking to myself maybe I'm in trouble, so I rush to get dress and head out the door. I reach there and it was a hectic patients leaving from here with their families and staff getting them to settle down. Among all this mist of chaotic I saw her, she glanced at me and started running towards me when she reached me I was embraced with every muscle she produced wrapping her arms around me and she looks at me and tells me "I'm sorry I just had a phase, please don't let my craziness phase get to you I really don't mean what I say" I just look at her and wanted to pour my feelings to her, I wanted to kiss her, embrace her, with every thought, feeling, liquid, with every human physical and mental energy I could produced instead I looked at her and said "It's ok". So she embraced me for like 5 minutes until one of the staff walked in and she release her grips. The staff came up to her and asked "any visitors, or are you leaving?" she reply "no". When the frenzy died down there was only 6 patients left including her, the staff decided to put a Christmas movie for those who stayed and she asked me if we could go outside and see her friend, I was plotting of how could I grab her hands, what could be the most romantic way to do it and as soon as I found a way she grab mines leaning her head on my shoulder and her hands embracing mines we head outside, she whistles and out comes her friend she asks me to give him a try so I reach my hand out and he glides towards me, as I'm petting this critter Penelope leans her back on the tree with her hands folded behind her, I approach her and she says "I've never been kiss before, I never had a boyfriend". I always lived behind bars ever since I was 6" "Kiss me Frankie show me what magic lives behind it" I move in closer lean my head towards her close my eyes and I could feel her heat among her lips as it approaches mines and I cant believe I'm about to kiss her am I even worthy of this? just a little closer and "RING" the bell rung for there medication. So I pull away scare thinking one of the staff maybe looking for us. We both run inside before they see us together alone, she runs to get her pills while I enter the men room and wait here until 5 minutes passes over, then I get a beep my boss tells me to report, I head towards the staff room and he asks me "Where were you?" I reply "I was using the rest room" "Go do round checks" so I skip though all the rooms until I reach hers and she approaches the doorway window and tells me to kiss her, she lays her lips upon her doorway window and I lean in and we both could feel each other life force even though glass. She pulls away and keeps her eyes closed for a second then she opens it and she starts to cry and says in a tearful voice "So it wasn't only your lips, it was all of you I've felt though a kiss" I placed my hands on the glass she placed hers on top of mines and this moment right here will haunt me another sleepless night but I don't care I lose my sanity just so I could be with her. My talkie beeps and my boss says to report, I get there and he tells me to stay until close. My boss then leaves, and an hour pass and the patients are out and about and I don't see her so I approach her room and she's asleep. I just wanted to wake her up so I could spend all time with her before tomorrow, you see every Christmas there's a family gathering. So hours pass and she still in her slumber so I go to check up on her, I open the door and on her night stand is a book I open it and it's pages upon pages of sketches of me, I was so indulge, I stayed in her room until she woke up, her gently breathing process as she grasps her air has me breathing the same way, she hypnotise me in this room by her flawless beauty as she lays asleep, hours pass and it was soon be the end of today and as I stand to leave she awakes and gently grabs my fingers and says "please tell your family about me"..I've never had one even so I could imagine one day they could be mines too"..have fun I'll miss you " I approach her and lean over and kiss her head she replies "I love your kisses". I smile at her then leave, I clock out and head home and I turn the knob and my whole family's there "SURPRISED" they yelled, ha they came from Europe, New York just to see me what a surprise and even with all my family here I felt alone, alone without her. It was 12a.m. and everyone one was opening there present I received a lot but didn't even touch one "My mother asks me what's wrong I tell here I have to go. I left the house looking for an open store I finally reach a walmart, that was open, I purchase a robot dog and a 2 ft Christmas tree with ornaments, I race to the ward and I tell the front office that I'm here to spend time with Penelope, the front office nurse never seen me because I work 1st shift and she's at night so I give her a fake name and tell her I was her boyfriend and she lets me in. I walk pass the tv room and I see all the other patients have there family there except for Penelope, I walk into a dark hallway and walk towards 12B I see her looking outside her window while the moon reflects her beauty. I knock she turns her head and smiles and embraces me, I take out the Christmas tree place it on her night stand while I'm doing this she covering her month with disbeliefs I ask her "Lets decorate the tree" I hand her the ornaments and she's full of joy placing each one on there proper spot I for got to get a star for the top and she says " I have something", she pulls out her drawing book rips out one of the paper and another she folds both of them into a star and half of the star to the left it's me and half of the star to the right is her. I've never seen such art in my life. "I have something for you" I said, I pull out the robot dog and its wrap with newspaper and tape before I got here, handed to her and she starts to unwrap the gift she opens it and grabs the furry robot and starts to play with it calling Frankie, ha, then she stops looks at me and says "thank you" she leans onto to me, pressing her body against mines and kisses me, all my burdens have escaped my mortal soul to this immortal kiss. She grabs my hand leads me to her bed we lay, her feet playing with mines, she gets on top of me and lays there, the rest is my passionate history. 6 hours later we awake to my cell ring and its my mom asking where was I, I told her she didn't really care but it sounded like it she was in a hurry so we hang up and Penelope asks me if we could go outside for a minute we head out there the sun has just begun to rise we lay beneath the tree holding hands talking about our interest and dislike. Hours has past and the intercom ask Penelope to report to her room we head back and before we enter her room I see a womanly face I know we enter and my mother and some of my family are here, they brought one of the table from the cafeteria and moved some of her furniture around, they also brought in some pasta and some food from my moms cooking, she couldn't believe her eyes she thought she was in a dream, it was all new to her. My mom introduce herself and my family as well, we sat down, she was so happy she couldn't stop smiling that stunning smile. That night she and I, join each other spiritually.

A month has pass since that day and we grew even closer, I visit her on my days off, she read to me, we visit her furry friend, laid underneath the tree every thing we could do together we did, I love her but when all said and done it wasn't enough for me I wanted to do something special for her but with that my life stopped. It was February 12 and I came to her room at 2 in the afternoon while I was doing round checks I asked her " would you like to escape with me tonight and we'll return in the morning", "Of course that sounds like fun" she said. "ok be ready by 12 I'll be back" I said. My shift was over so I headed home thinking how in the world would I pull it off there is only one entrance in and out another entrance only out (an emergency exist) so it was 11 I was parked outside the ward still thinking, but I just went with my gut feelings I didn't care about the consequences. I enter the ward passing the front desk without her noticing me and I run to her room opening the door and she was just getting dress, I could see so vivid in the night as the moon shined on her so brightly, she is the most astonishing female I've ever saw. She reach over kiss my lips and said "are you ready?", "yeah just wait here for a minute" I ran out her door and reach the emergency exist push it open the sirens went off I ran back to her room waited until the staff went to investigate the emergency and as soon as they ran across her room we ran for the entrance I came in. We jump in my car and left. The first place we went was to my house I bought her a dress, because she never had one, we got dress and had to leave, we were under a very strict timeline. The first place we went was the zoo I had a friend who I knew since kid years so he let me in. We went to see all the animals but only one she stayed and adore them the most amongst the others, it was a wolf, so I asked her " do you feel sorry for them?" she says "They remind me of me, an animal wanting to explore it's natural habitat but instead lock with its head down gazing into the outside world, once having a family, taken away by society just for mere eye pleasure" " you know Penelope that wolf really does symbolise you, how could a beautiful creature but kept away from this world, how could a perfect creature be caged in, there nothing wrong with you?"..She stayed quite and proceeded to walk towards the car, she asked me "Can we go to the movies I never been to a real one?". " Of course but I really don't know if there's any open at this time !". So we search for a hour looking for an open one and we found a little cheesy low budget theater she said "this one would be fine." We headed to the ticket booth and they said they weren't playing any movies but only upcoming movies clips, "that sounds terrific" she said. We headed inside grab our seats, she held my hands firmly like if she was scared, the lights turn dimmed and she was so amazed by each preview, she wanted to see every movie, I could see the gleams in her eyes as if she was a kid. We started kissing each other every time we see a couple kiss on the preview, then she asked me if we could get married once she's out of there "Of course" I said. She laid her head upon my shoulder so I moved my shoulder and arm rest so she could lay on my lap. Hours had past and we fell asleep, I woke up in a frantic scare waking her up too, it was 10 in the afternoon we rushed towards the ward we enter and as soon as we did my boss said "Thank god, Frankie you got her," "It wasn't". "Yeah, he really did catch me" she said interrupting me. My boss said "ok, Frankie clock in and stay in the front desk I don't want the mistake to happen again." As I stayed there I see 3 male staff and 2 female staff approach her and leading her to the psychiatric room. An half an hour has pass and I see her in a straight jacket heading towards solitary confinement room, I didn't know what to do, should I tell them it was my fault, but then they'll fire me and I'll never see her again, so my shift was over and my final rounds, but my boss said just to leave. I clocked out and heading towards the door looking onto 12B knowing that she wasn't there.

That night I couldn't sleep all my thoughts were selfish ones how could I ask her to do that knowing the consequences but not caring.

The next morning I wake up to a call it was my boss asking me to come in. I flew by traffic arriving there in 5 minutes from 15 minutes it usually takes me. He tells me to clock in and gives me the schedule I see I work everyday from 8 to 3. The patients were in the tv area, some outside and some in there rooms but Penelope she still was in her room. How long are they going to keep her there, so I went to visit her, but my boss saw me and said " You cant go see her, she's unstable and your only responsibility today is the front desk," I was going crazy, I didn't know what to do. So hours have passed and it was time for me to go home. I clocked out turned my head looking at 12B and in my head I could see her looking at me and smiling.

That night I didn't sleep at all I stayed up thinking what should I do how could I get her out.

Days have pasted and I pass her room and she still wasn't there, she been there for a week now, but today I decided not to give a care in the world I'm going to go inside that room even if it costs me my job I don't care I really need to see her, so I left the tv room where I was station passed all the rooms until I reached the small doorway before I even open the door the knob turn and she comes out being followed by the psychiatric and 2 staff they were letting her be release back to her room, but I could tell she wasn't the same. An hour has passed and I was anxious about room checks so the bell rung for medication the patients returned to there rooms. I flew pass all these doors until I got to her. There she was laying faced up on the bed, I knocked she didn't seem to budge so I open the door , she stayed the same position even when I walked in. I approached her she looked at me smiling but flooded with tears. I was hurting inside, it was killing me seeing her smile of joy and seeing her cry of suffering. "What happen Penelope?", "there voices in my head, I can't control them, my shadow talks to me, I hate that room it brings all my fear out" I was speechless I couldn't even imagine what she was going through, it was all my selfish needs. "Sorry" Penelope" I could feel myself tearing up. "For what, I'll do it again even if it cause my sanity." I had to leave the room my tears were running, I went to men room and let it all out I was crying for a girl I barely knew but I really love, oh, man I couldn't take it. I rush back to her room and she was still in the same position talking to herself, I could feeling a burning saddest exiting my lungs and stomach as it turn into tears running down my cheek. I messed up this girls life I head towards the staff room and my boss tells me to clock out. So I do but this time I head towards her room I open her door sit next to her and wipes her tears away and she looks at me and says "we never should have came back" I know I thought to myself, as I grab her hands slowly and start to kiss them passionate. I leave the room heading towards the exit and I look back and she wasn't there.

Why cant I sleep, I love you Penelope, why am the brink of losing my mind, I love you Penelope, Please forgive me, I love you Penelope.

Days have turned into weeks and she stayed the same position, she tells me the voices are getting louder and now she's starting to have a nervous break down, she tells me she wants to kill herself before she ends up losing her whole personality, I couldn't even focus out on my job and out of it, I comfort her the best way I could, my hours in all my weeks are spent with her on the clock or off, I read to her, I kiss her, I tell her I love her, she does too, we do everything together, but the more I've tried the worst she got. One day I've decided not to go in just to see if she gets any better.

That night I slept real well I had a vivid dream and she was in it I dreamt, we had a house together, kids and even our own zoo, but dreams are just that, dreams.

The next day I went to work looking for her and I couldn't find her I've looked in her room and she wasn't there I went to the tv room she wasn't there I went outside to the tree and she wasn't there but I saw her animal friend underneath the roots of this tree and he wasn't moving. I thought to myself how devastated she would be, I headed back inside and she was no where to be found so I already knew that she was in that room so I let the day go by without any worries, time past and it was time to leave I look back to her room and I saw nothing.

I've dream about you again Penelope how we dance underneath that tree, how we escape and lived a life of no worries and adventure, how we grew and learned from one another.

The next day I rushed to the ward just to see her, I couldn't find her anywhere, I finally had enough I headed towards that room I opened the door and nothing. I went to the psychiatric and ask her "Where's Penelope?" she looked at me while talking on the phone and said "Oh she died" and kept on with her conversation through the phone I yelled "What!? she stopped and said " Yes, that day you called off she hung herself in that tree." At that moment I ran home I left my car when I got home this great deal of pain struck me I couldn't stop crying I held my breathe just so I could and couldn't, tears dripping onto my shirt when I came about, my shirt was soaked I started to crying even more I couldn't believe it. I don't even have a real picture of her she only lives in my dreams, the only thing I do is sleep the whole day just to see you, I should've done more, we should've ran way together, I should've never taken that day off from work.

Oh, Penelope this world has nothing to offer me, please, please let this be a lie, let this tears of sorrow really be tears of joy, lets say you ran away again instead of killing yourself, let my dreams really be reality. I will see you tonight".

It's 12:45 in the morning, I cant take it any more, I but I have to see you...I take 20 sleeping pills and there it was...