Behind green eyes

Anonymous

When I was younger, My father left my mother. I can only remember my mother being depressed, talking to herself at night and silently sobbing to herself. My mother soon later had committed suicide, when I was about 5 years old. She had an overdose. At least, that is what I have heard. I ended up living with my grandmother and we both formed a very close bond. She always woke me up at 5:30 in the morning so we could walk around the park and pray to God. Whenever I got bad grades, she got very angry but was always understanding. I remember feeling annoyed by her constant lectures but that all faded away on the week before my 15th birthday. We never had much money but she still brought me an iPod, filled with a lot of The BEATLES songs. She knew that was my favorite band. I told her that I loved her for the first time. On my way home 2 months, I got beat up by a guy who looked like he was about 17 and he also took my iPod, school metrocard and my high school ID. I went home and cried all day. "Happiness is not the measure of money." my grandmother told me. "happiness can only be created by the heart and mind of oneself".
School life was okay. Throughout my life, I had a constant struggle to fit in with everyone. I was harassed about my appearance in elementary school and junior high school. This one time a popular boy said to me "your not as pretty as you think you are." I always felt ugly but when I went into a new high school, all my friends began to call me pretty, sweet, smart and older senior boys kept asking me out.
My first kiss was in 9th grade. It was really disgusting. The guy sticked his tongue into my mouth and I had no idea of what to do. There was only this one guy I had liked, johnathan. He was my friend. We both ended up kissing this one time, just two days after my first kiss but Johnathan told me that he didn't like going out. I never told him I liked him and stopped talking to him. It was an amazing kiss with johnathan.
He kissed my friend who was a year older than me and not very attractive at all but I realized that he kissed any girl and I should forget about him. After that, I ended up going out with one of his friends, Dan. Dan was really sweet but I didn't like him that much. I introduced my grandma who he was and my grandma liked him.
I never told her that he was my boyfriend. Whenever he came over, I said it was
for a school project. Dan was 3 years older than me and had a really f**cked up childhood. He wasn't really smart and didn't have much money so he joined the military the next year. I used to write letters to him so that I could be romantic
and all and he wrote back. Until this one time when I wrote to him about how much I missed him and wanted him back and he wrote back that he didn't want me to be very close to him because I didn't understand him. That really bothered me. I ended up becoming more distant with my Grandma and tried to commit suicide multiple times. I wrote back to Dan, telling him that I loved him an if he loved me to then he had to talk to me. He didn't reply for 2 months which really bothered. I told Johnathan about this and Johnathan told me that Dan was just being really retarded, blowing of an amazing beautiful smart girl like me. I had an extremely intimate kiss with Johnathan which later led to sex. I felt like I was in love and was deceived by Dan until he wrote back about 4 months later telling me that he did love me but he was being stationed in another country for a year. He would be back for me when I finished high school. I felt so guilty!! I didn't tell Dan that I had sex with his friend and I told Johnathan to keep it a secret. Me and Dan continued to write to each other. My Grandmother has become very ill and she has asthma. She had a heart attack and had to go to the hospital. My father came back into my life and lived with me with consent of my grandma. He read my mail from Dan and told me to stop taking to Dan. My dad is trying to take control of my life and my grandma is still in the hospital. I really hope she's okay because I would kill myself if she dies and this stupid scum bad b**stard will take control of my life. I'm not allows out of my house and it's summer. I email my friend what I want her to send to Dan and she comes by my house so she can give me that letters that he writes to me, from get address. I told Dan about Johnathan and he told me he was hurt but he understands and he admitted to cheating on me too. We decided that we should stay friends. I still miss Dan even though I always have doubts on him. I still try to write to him. I wish my father just let me.
and I love my grandma, I don't want anything to happen to her!! I love you Grandma <3