To never really let go

tornheart

We have known each other for the majority of our lives. We grew together, we learned together, we celebrated milestones together. I was the girl with the brown eyes, you were the boy with the big brown eyes, the eyes that looked upon me as if I was a goddess sent from above. Even as young children it was plain to see, you were besotted with me and even at that young age, I knew you loved me.

For so many years we continued on our paths separately, but there was always those moments. Moments when we were both single we would see each other, each time we met again, it was like we never were apart. For nearly a decade we continued this dance, it was hard to avoid each other or know what the other was doing, our families always talked. I always knew that if I called your number you would be there for me. Your number has never changed, it is burned into my memory, even a year could pass without a call but when I needed you, where ever I was, your number was always with me.

There wasn't anything you wouldn't do for me, you would always do anything to please me, to show me love, but never once did you tell me. Why did we never talk about how we really felt? Did you remember that last time before you left to continue your career when I whispered those three words you never said to me, "I love you." To this day I wonder if you ever heard those words. The words that if you had told me, maybe our life choices would have been different. I even lied to tell you that I had been pregnant with your child, years later, to see if you would say anything. You showed compassion and it was obvious you wished that I had kept the "baby". Will the world ever forgive me for making you think that I terminated our child, created with love, to try and make you see me, and tell me that you loved me?

Eventually I found a man who would tell me he loved me, in many ways he reminded me of you especially how he struggles to share his true feelings. But my man told me that he loved me, he asked me to be his wife, I decided to accept his proposal and started to plan my new life.

But a few short months before I would walk down the aisle, after years of being absent from my life, you reappeared into my life. You looked at me with those big brown eyes, my heart began to melt, I gave into my desires, just more time I said. It was the night to end all nights, the night to finally say goodbye.

You flew back into town to see me walk down the aisle. Even the videographer knew how you felt as I wed the man who asked to me marry me. As I look back at my wedding video there is a shot, of you, and only you watching me get married, those big brown eyes said it all. I can see in your eyes that you love me but you couldn't ever tell me. You never said a word when they asked if anyone objected, how could you and I knew you would never say a word, our love was unspoken, it always was.

Then you started your life, far away from me, finding a lady who loved you, a lady who wanted to be your wife, a lady proud to say that she loved you. She became your wife and I couldn't go to be there to see you marry her. I couldn't risk ruining your chance at happiness, I had cheated once with you, I knew we would make a bad choice, I lied to you again, I chose my career over seeing you marry.

Your wife always knew that there was something special between us, I always wonder what you have told her about us. I backed away but every now and then the phone would ring or a message appear on Facebook, it was erratic and often when you were away from home as you often were. I cherish the day that I attended a family function of yours whilst you were away and you called to say hello to your family. To hear your voice again, from so far away, it was comforting, as the wife of another I still do worry when you are in a war-zone, even if I can't admit it publicly.

When you came back to our home state, I would make sure I was busy and out of town. I knew when you were here, with your family that has grown to include your son. He looks so much like you, especially as a baby, the one thing I couldn't give you. My parents met your son, you were so proud, they told me how beautiful he is. I am so glad you have a family, I want you to be happy.

But then you call or text or hint that we could go back to the way we were. Are you not happy, do you really want to risk it all? You make me consider risking it all. There has been many a night when I have conjured up your memory of one those special nights. My insides grow wet I pleasure myself with images of you and how you touched me. Only you can touch me in the way that makes me weak at the knees, I try to remember as I find myself taken on that magical ride of bliss. But it is only a memory, a memory doesn't leave me, like your phone number, a memory is not cheating.

When we communicate there is often that inappropriate comment always coming from you. I normally can rebuff you and laugh about it but this time I wandered, this time I gave in. Was it that I was trying to show off, prove to your future sister in law that you really were in love with me. If only she knew how far I would go to see you again.

The things I have said, to get you to be here, the thought that both of us would go outside of our vows for just one moment of happiness. What will I do when you arrive in our home state, alone, the only way I knew you would agree. Will we break the rules just one more time? After 24 hours of sexting, my thoughts are all confused, can I really break the rules and continue with my life, and you return to yours as if nothing happened? Just adding another memory that may always be associated with deception and lies, especially to those we have vowed to remain true to?

Ironic it is a wedding that brings us back together, a wedding that may cause us both to break the sanctions of marriage for just one moment of pleasure. Part of me wishes you aren't released for leave so I never have to face my true feelings. But this time will be different, we are going to talk. I can't say it over the phone, or via a text, it has to be in person, so I can see what you are feeling in those big brown eyes.

We have never really let go of each other, that has become obvious to me. From your behavior and urgency to enjoy every minute you are away from your wife, it makes me think you have never let go of me either. But this time we have to decide, is it time to say goodbye or is it time to open up to the world about how we feel. So many lives will be shattered if we decide to proclaim to the world, but so many lives can be shattered if we continue to lie to those we claim to love.

Only time will tell, there is nothing I can do but wait. To see what those big brown eyes tell me, when I lay my feelings, what ever they may be on the table for you to respond. What ever the outcome a piece of my heart will always and forever belong to you.