i still love him

Mai

i wont post my real name because i dont want people to know this part of me, but this is my story.....

Ever since i was little i was lonely, my parents would always fight, and in my country (bangladesh), if anything wrong happned my dad would sometimes slap me. i was a very bad student because i couldn't care less about studies. suddenly my parents decided to move to canada, and i was upset but not that much because nothing ever meant anything to me. i was different from everyone. i didnt talk, no nothing but everything changed when i went to grade 5, where i met this boy who was my classmate. he was very kind, gentle and nice. aldo he was the type who wans't really into relationships or dates. and he was really smart. he was different from other guys, and i didn't even notice, but i had already fall in love with him. and that was the first time i hated myself. but because of him i changed. i started to make friends. i learned how to love, trust and care for other people. but funny thing is me and him never talked. i would just watch him from afar. i never told him about my feelings. but i kept on loving him. and slowly grade 5 past and came grade 6. where on this school event this friend of mine who is a boy tried to kiss me, but i ran away and acted like nothing happened. and while i ran i just thought of my grade 5 crush. he was in a different class this year. and so slowly grade 6 past away. i still love him. then came grade 7. and when i heard that HE was in the same class as me, i got butterflies in my stomach and was happy yet sad. in class whenever i was his partner, i would get distracted and act all silly. me and him had the same initials so everyone teased us. and i could tell that he got angered by it. slowly liking him became painful. because i couldn't confess to him, since im not allowed to date or have a boyfriend or even have a crush or fall in love. so i kept quiet. then one day another boy from my class told me that he liked me..ALOT..but i didn't know what to do. i thought that he is a nice guy and if i escape him and maybe i will get over my grade 5 crush. the boy really did like me, he treated me so nice. but all i felt was guilt because i couldn't forget my grade 5 crush no matter what. so i told him that sorry but lets just be friends. and now i know i did the right thing because now he has a girlfriend who he loves more then he ever cared for me. then slowly i stared to really sink..and fall into a dark dark whole where there was no one who knew how i felt..no there was no one i could tell this to. i only told my best friends but even after that i didn't feel a bit better. so i ecsepted that and kept on going. then came grade 8. this was my last year in that school which meant after this year...i might never even see him again. everywhere people as in every single person saw me, the me that smiled all the time, who is carefree and caring and loving and kind and has no problems...but no one saw the me ..the real me...who is a bird trapped in a cage. whose legs and arms have been broken and she can't move or get up. she needed someone, she needed him to pick her up and save her. one day i sneaked in the washroom after school because i couldn't take it anymore so i cried then my friend walked in looking for me and found me there looking all miserable. without thinking i screamed in her arms. i screamed that I LOVE HIM! AND AFTER THIS YEAR I WONT BE ABLE TO SEE HIM, EVEN IF I CAN ONLY SEE HIM FROM AFAR, I CANT HEAR HIS VOICE! and my friend said"well then tell him..you love him" so i did. i waited for him on top of a bridge. when he came and i told him that" i-i- i love you" and he laughed and said "well this is weird, i like you too but as a friend" and not for once did i regret telling him. then soon after i heard that this other girl also confessed to him, my friend said that that girl said that she got inspired by me, and she also liked him. her and i both liked him since grade 5....4 years. and he liked her too ..ALOT ever since grade 5! but the funny thing is he still rejected her. so she got tired of waiting and started going out wid some other guy. meanwhile, this friend of mine confessed to me, but i told him that i love someone else. my grade 5 crush and that other girl always hangout together as friends. and whenever i see them, i see their love for each other i also see myself crying inside. so i decided that i will, somehow, at least i will try to get them together, because i know that they both love each other............and as for me ........i still love him but i told my friends that im over him because i dint want them to worry about me. im not worried about myself because my heart was never whole to start with so its ok if it breaks. and i will always be grateful to my grade 5 crush for changing me, for giving me a chance to create another me...a me that loved and is kind, a me that i can be proud off. oh did i mention, that to catch to his status i really worked hard and became and honor roll student? i will always love him because he was my first love, he was the first guy that i ever liked and he always will be. and as for my happiness, well i don't know what's going to happen to me, i might just live my life with his memories.

he is precious to me even if i don't exist in his world....he means a lot to me because he was the only little bit of happiness i had when, my parents lived separately and almost got divorced, when my friends were breaking up, when i had to break the hearts of my own friends because of by feelings, where the memories of me getting bullied flashed back at me. in all that he was that one thing that always made me smile.

this is my love story so far (very long i know)story by: Mai