10 years of bitterness

Vanessa

Hi I'm Vanessa from the Philippines.

My lola (grandmother) died the afternoon of May 23rd, 2011. It's been 40 days since she left us.
Just like any other Filipino Catholic family, we celebrated her 40th day. My sisters and I and some of our very close relatives went to a restaurant and had dinner.
It made me think of my lola's death again. This thought had been haunting me since she died..
'Why am I not that sad?' I should be sad because she is after all my grandmother. She helped my mom raise me.. but why am I feeling this way? Of course I do miss her. I cried at her funeral but I'm not sure why I was crying. I know it's disrespectful to speak ill of the dead but I just need to voice this one out. I just need to say this, just this one time and hopefully I can move on with my life.


I haven't spoken of this for a very long time but every time I think about it I still feel the pain. It's like it just happened yesterday.


It was April of 2002. I was at my lola's for summer vacation. I just had to get out of my mother's eyes for awhile. Mom told me to stop seeing my girlfriend or she'll kill me. I just turned 18 that time and I was so in love.. Words can't hurt me or so I thought.
On the 3rd or 4th night of my vacation, my mother surprised all of us when she arrived at my lola's house barking mad.. The moment I heard her voice I knew something was up. I jumped up.. locked the door and waited nervously at the foot of the bed. My mom was banging the door with her fists, screaming at the top of her lungs words that were so hurtful that sometimes when I think about it today I still cry.
Through those very loud and acid remarks I learned that our trusty hired helped told everybody that I had sex with my girlfriend in my parents room, on my parent's bed.
I know, what I've done was criminal. I'm not proud of it and I'm not gonna justify my actions. If given the chance to take back time, we'll bring our business elsewhere..


I was crying all the while she was outside of my door trying to get in. I was so scared that I was almost petrified.
She kept on repeating the words.. Horny, Slut and Lesbian.. and those words were latched onto my name.
My mom, a devoted catholic.. never missed a Sunday mass her whole life, has a Horny Lesbian Slut for a daughter. She kept on ranting about Lesbians being despicable, worthless monsters.. The lowest of the low. And I her youngest daughter, who sang in church choirs and went to mass with her, is one of them. And the worst part was she was screaming for the whole goddamn world to hear. She even said that she wanted the whole community to know that I'm a fucking whore. And I let every freaking lesbian fuck me. She wanted all of them to know that her daughter's a godless, soulless hussy. After awhile things quieted down and I heard my mom told my lola to get my stuff, and send me away. I was kicked out of my mom and lola's houses.
It took me about two hours to open the door, it was around 5ish in the morning and I know that I need to get out of that place before the neighbors see me. My eyes were so swollen, it took effort to open them.
My lola was waiting outside of the door and she just repeated everything my mom said. She also added : " Di pwede ang mga kaputahan mo sa akin!" ("I wont tolerate your slutty ways!") was also fuming mad.
I couldn't take it anymore, I quietly asked her "Wala naman akong kasalanan sayo, bakit mo ba ko ginaganito?" ("I didn't do anything wrong to you.. why are you doing this to me?")
Those words might've shaken her because she just calmly asked me to hand in my cellphone. I gave her my phone and she went out of the house.
All I had was 200 pesos and a little change (around $5). I didn't know what to do, I didn't know where to go. I didn't have my phone with me so I can't call anyone. Good thing my bestfriend's house was kinda near my lola's place. She and her mom took me in for a few weeks. If it weren't for my bestfriend I could've killed myself. They truly helped me and even though we had a lot of disagreements, i love her to bits.
My girlfriend and I stayed together for about a month more and then we broke up. Unfortunately, the pressure was too much for me. Alot of things also happened to her.. I heard her uncles beat her up to almost a pulp. After that she just lost interest in her studies and did crazy things. Up to this day, I still think that I ruined her life.


People always say the phrase : Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me.
Well my mother's words did harm me.. I know I have forgiven them but I never have really forgotten about it. All I wanted was to experience my first love like everyone else. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for who I am and what I am. Everything I ever believed in after this incident fell apart.


And now it's scares me that I can't feel true sadness upon my lola's death. When it's my mother's time to go, will I also feel the same way? Both of them immensely hurt my feeling and the bitterness I felt before is still present.
And after 10 years the pain is still the same. After forgiveness, we should all forget right? But it's very hard for me to move on. This is the bitterness inside me that I've been dealing with for the past years.
Maybe this is why I'm such a psycho sometimes.


Honestly, I don't know how to end this. I'm just wishing that I find it in my heart to get on with my life and put all the past behind me.