AND I DO.....ANY MORE

vikas tanwar

I never liked my step-mother. She never liked me, and she was quick to show her displeasure when I came each summer to visit my father and my little brother, who is only three or four years younger than myself, I'm not exactly sure--we've grown apart.

We were staying with my step-mother's parents and her little brother, who was fifteen at the time, for the weekend. I remember looking up to Raymond. He was 'cool' in a four-year-old girl's mind. I could almost say I had a crush on him. But hardly in a sexual sense.

He told me we were going to play, 'Aladdin', which was my favorite movie--it had just come out on video. We built a 'fort', that was supposed to be Aladdin's home, which was a futon covered with a sheet. Raymond told me I was Jasmine, he was Aladdin, and we had just gotten married. And, as all married couples do, had to have sex on the first night after their marriage. I hardly had any idea what he was saying, so he talked me through it.

I honestly don't remember most of the details, but I do remember a few...I think I may have tried to block most of them out... But, what I do remember, unfortunately, was him making me, 'use my mouth', which I protested. I had tears in my eyes--it hurt. He was big, and I was small...

He tried to make it up to me by touching me, sticking his fingers, and eventually his tongue inside of me, and no matter how much I squirmed and whimpered he kept on until I was trembling and crying.

I remember he had his erection in his hand, and he was over me, getting ready to take more of my innocence when my step-mother actually came to my rescue. Out of nowhere she pulled the sheet off of the futon and saved me. But, that wasn't the end of my ordeal. She grabbed me roughly by my arm, leaving a bruise before dragging me, naked through the house in clear view of all of my relatives, yelling about how nasty I was before taking me downstairs and beating my backside with a belt, yelling at me, "Why would you let him do that to you, you nasty little girl! You're disgusting! Look at you!"


My Dad stopped her, thankfully. But...I was still traumatized.

Years later, three or four to be precise, I experimented with my little brother. It was consensual. If he would have said stop, I would have. I didn't touch him, I simply...looked. I was curious...as was he, but when my stepmother caught me, it was a repeat of my last 'offense'. Only now, I was forced to write line after line of, 'I will not touch the no zone'. On a piece of paper until my hand ached horribly.

To this day, I regret what I did to Sammy, I can't take it back. And I forgive Raymond for what he did to me--I know now his father did the same to him at the same age I was, but I know how 'messed up' I am, and I pray to whatever God is out there that Sammy doesn't turn out like me.

Sex and the like has become such an important part of my life. I cyber, I fantasize sexual situations involving a minor and an adult in sexual acts. It's...something I can't imagine my life lacking. I can't hold a steady relationship...I've developed a pornography addiction, and other...flaws, which I can't even admit as an anonymous writer. I hate myself...and no one knows. I think this may be the first time I've ever spoken out about what TRULY happened to me twelve years ago... I lied to my many therapists, and my parents, and friends. No one knows the real me...I don't think I even do....