My crush

Tom

I had a crush, name her N. She is not an ordinary crush teenagers had. She was 1 year younger than me. I liked her so much, I want to be with her together, I want to spend all of my time with her, most of all I want her to be mine. But sadly, I find it difficult to throw away my pride and I don't have the courage to confess to her. So I concealed my feelings, until she got her first boyfriend, though they do not last long, I'm still shocked and when I ask her (Through SMS)" Do you want to find another boyfriend? " She immediately changed the topic and drag me to somewhere else.

1 year passed, I attended her younger sister's graduation but don't even manage to talk to her. I was pathetic, and even though I don't even get to talk to her, I realized I blushed on the way home after the event. The moment school starts my name was famous enough in both her class and my class. Realizing this made me happy, but at the same time I became more and more shy towards her. But we were very close to each other, like brothers and sisters. We joke, we laugh, we teased each other, we talk about life and subjects, we talk about adults, girls, boys, food, love, money, sex and a lot more.

Even though we don't talk in school, we sms each other everyday. One day she suddenly became cold, replying my all of my sms short, and I find it painful. So after all, I am just another ordinary people who had a crush on her, she don't know that I'm serious in liking her.

2 years later
We lost communication. We barely communicate, but once in a while I try to send her 1 or 2 text messages. But today, I visited her blog, and saw this:

Dear T
many people see me as that fucking ugly bitch but err okay, i do have reasons that are just too impossible to put into words. I'm that type who moves on quick, who acts based on reflex, who stupidly does stuffs without thinking, who always let her pride gets in her way. I'm that frigging' stupid. I'm that girl that everyone sees as a cold hearted bitch, that frigging' player, that frigging' stupid ass. It's not a few times i was disturbed about how people see me, disturbed and anxious about what people would label me: bitch, traitor, betrayer, bitch, bitch and more bitch. truthfully, I'm afraid to hold on, afraid of then losing it, nothing is forever. i partly conceals 'me', and instead, acts like a totally different person. behind that cold bitch face, just hides a girl all alone and sometimes faking a laugh. i let go of people, especially good ones, hurting many in the process, even if they mean something to me, even if they're worth to be protected, even if they did color my days with shades of pink, blue, yellow and green, even if they did not deserve the kind of attitude i show them. I'm just a teenager who really hope for someone to talk to , but has not found that person. yes, my ladies has been there for me, my family has always been there for me, but besides all of them, i don't have that someone i can absolutely share anything with, my sister is that person, but her not physically beside me, leaves me stranded all alone, where i cannot talk to her about absolutely anything until past midnight, where I never eat a single meal with the whole complete family. and my parents are not an option to me. i don't want to burden them with more of my shits, and i don't want to see them hurting because of me, because i love them, i love them beyond infinity.i seldom, if not never express my love to them, I'm just one worthless daughter. i spend many hours thinking what if. what if i had not existed. what if i wasn't born in this world. what if i could turn back time. if only i could turn back time, i would have corrected my mistakes, corrected my attitude but the mistakes, the attitude, the scars, the wounds, the sins I've collected all made who i am today, and i am who i am. the same thing will indeed hold different meanings and different interpretations to different eyes. it's just human nature everybody judge you and talk about you. caring about it is alright, in fact in some cases, a necessity. i, however, cared too much sometimes it hurts, it hurts so deep i cried my soul dry. i just feel very hollow, like the energy and spirit to live has been sucked out by a large sucking pipe, like that feeling when your best friend just stabbed your heart with several knives, pull it out, and re-stab again several times.




P.S. Dear W, you know who you are
you really are a good person, a person too good i sometimes question myself whether what i did was what was right. the fact that you put your trust in me and the fact that it tore it into pieces and left just like that, hurts you deeply, and I'm sorry for that. although yes maybe, i was sometimes or most of the times annoyed with you, but whatever you want to believe is your right. i may be a frigging' bad friend to you, but you were at least always there for me. i do not hope you back in my life or for us to cross our paths in the future, but thank you. thank you for writing all those #galau posts and make me think, what this life means without happiness. what this life is for. thank you

Since my name is Tom W, I suspected it is me she's mentioning. Any opinions?

(Sorry for lots of grammatical errors, due to my poor English)