Self Sabotage

Nathan

As with every love story, it started off with a great beginning in some troubled times. For me these troubled times were my mother getting re-married to a man she met less than 30 days prior to their engagement. As I have never had a father figure in my life for 14 years of my 17 years of time on this earth, this upset my life dramatically. This led to arguments all the time, feeling alienated and un-comfortable at your own home.
Already feeling different from my family all together this pushed me away further. It lead me to not wanting anything to do with them, no other attachment than that we shared the same blood in our veins. An outsider within my own family I was, unforgiving and heartless I had become over these times. For I could not see this was not my decision although it affected my life in a great deal it was my mothers and who am I to tell her what to do with love. Love is a mysterious thing in my opinion, I am able to feel it but not yet comprehend how it changes you. How it can secretly be there without you knowing so you get used to it. Then when its gone its the most painful feeling rendering me the self proclaimed "Emotional Tank" who is supposed to be un-moved by such occurrences in my life. It hurts, its only feeling you cannot describe unless you have felt it. There is no dampening down the effect no matter what you do. This was all my fault, there was no changing that. She was the only girl who ever cared about me to the point she turned into a doormat for me allowing me to walk all over her. I had led her on for so long it was saddening.
I had at times turned her away to re-assure myself I am not doing wrong and telling her this cannot be us. But through my sick and twisted ways I never would ever let her lose hope that I someday might just be with her. Instilling false hopes, subliminally manipulating with my words of poison. Keeping her close to the point she wouldn't even realize what I am doing to her. The term "Mind-Fucking" is the only way in which to describe what I did there's nothing else I can think of. Keeping her as a best friend with a sense of false hope of a relationship. Having her deal with my shit only because I let her think after all this it might be worth it because I might be with her. I never planned on this, I was comfortable with her un-dying attention to me. I loved it, I needed it. I didn't realize this until to late which is last night. I had to confess to her what I've done. I always pushed her too far waiting for a push back, but it never comes. I was at the point I could hang up on her and have her ring me back and apologize to me for being wrong. It was crazy and I could no longer handle this is not how someone is supposed to be treated and unlike anything else I felt the overwhelming sensation of sadness.
I hadn't realized the full extent of what I have done to her. I wasted a year and a half of someone's life that they could of spent with someone else. Time is something that cannot be taken back, this is the only thing I cannot make up for. Its the only hate to lose, because it's such short in our lives. I realize at seventeen that I have to change live each day likes its precious and to tell the people I love that they mean so much to me. As for her, I told her to let me go. I told her to never see me for a minimum of two months to realize that her life would be better off without me. I love her so much. The only reason I never wanted be fully in a relationship with her is because I care too much appearances. She is beautiful in every way imaginable and I am too much of a prick to realize that until I have lost her forever. I cannot take her back just like that. That isn't fair for her, she deserves someone that treats her right from the start to finish. She would of gave me everything -quote "I would of been a dancer for you, and artist for you, I would cook anything for you, I would devote my life to you, I would do everything for you to make you happy, all you had to do was ask." This is why I sit here in tears realizing it can never be, my happiness was her, I feel empty just being away from her for a week. I don't think I can ever go back now, I don't deserve it. I was the key to her happiness and took that to my advantage just for my selfish use. This is why I will never forgive myself and will be sad forever without her. Just the way it should be for me, that's what I deserve, that's love for me.