Love or Lust ?

Paige

Well let's start off to say I never really cared about boys, I had crushes but they meant nothing. That was until, Nathan came along.
Now let me say that I had a crush on this boy Glenn before Nathan came along, I was head over heels for Glenn. But he liked my best friend. It hurt, they dated & I didn't wanna be her friend anymore, she hurt me. So I just continued being Glenn's friend, he thought I was cute & stuff , But he liked Elyssa. Then finally Nathan came along. I've known him since September 2010. But we never talked. Until March 20th 2011. I wasn't interested in him, He was annoying I thought he was ugly. & He was dating my old best friend at the time. Me & him started talking more, & I grew more & more feelings for him each day. I started realizing he was cute , extremely cute. He was .. Gorgeous. He was so sweet, He was breathtaking. I wanted to date him, He liked me & I liked him. & Autumm (his girlfriend) didn't want to be my friend just because I was friends with him. So she didn't matter. Well one day Glenn came over & well , that day we became more then friends.. & He was my first kiss. I was so happy. I told Nathan, because Nathan was my best friend so I told him basically everything. He seemed fine with it, but he really wasn't. Me & Glenn dated for like a week. & Nathan was talking to Elyssa saying that he was gonna get me & Glenn to break up, cause Nathan liked me.. Well I broke up with Glenn because he treated me like crap, all my feelings were fading, I was just head over heels for Nathan also. My world was all about Nathan now, so I said bye to Glenn & we were friends for a little while, until he tried getting with my best friend Desi so I wasn't his friend anymore for a while. Me & Nathan were still talking, & he said the most sweetest things <3 . I liked him a lot. Me & Elyssa were friends again & eventually she got back with Glenn but I didn't care. I liked Nathan. Finally, one night Nathan came over to go to the movies with me, my mom , my brother, & my aunt. I was so nervous, he's never been over before & I never really talked to him in person. Only on phone & text. I was nervous but happy. (: We waited at my house a while before going to the movies. He was still dating Autumm at the time. But he kept asking me to kiss him. I said no , because he was dating Autumm & I made the mistake kissing Glenn when he was still dating Elyssa. & Glenn was a cheater so that's another reason I broke up with him. I didn't want Nathan to be a cheater. So I refused. He tried getting close, but I wouldn't let it happen. Finally he said ; I'd break up with Autumm for you. & I said do it then. Cause I didn't think he actually would, But he did ... For me. I'm not the smallest girl but I'm not the biggest, I'm average. I'm not the prettiest but I'm not ugly. When he was dating this skinny girl, Who was extremely pretty.. He dumped her.. For me. (:
We went to the movies , & well we were dating now. So I said we could kiss sometime during the movie. But I was scared, so I kept pausing. He would move closer, but I wouldn't nudge. I was nervous & everything. Finally he pulled me close & kissed me. I pulled away quick but it was an amazing feeling. We kissed a few more times at the movies, but a lot at my house. I fell in love with him.. He was my everything <3 . Me & Nathan dated for 2 months, They were the most amazing two months of my life. Until, He started talking to girls again.. You see, Nathan got jealous easily. So we had an agreement, I wouldn't talk to boys, If he didn't talk to girls. It went good for awhile. But he wanted more friends, He said girls are easier to talk to.. So he said I could talk to boys (except Glenn he HATED Glenn) & he could talk to girls. He started ignoring me, for all these girls. When every time I ignored him he got so bad, but he could ignore me?? I was sick & in pain. I'm over here sick not talking to anyone, While he's talking to all these girls. When I was the one who loved him, I cared for him. They didn't !! So finally I got fed up & broke up with him. I didn't want to but I was tired of it! Usually he would go crazy if I was close to breaking up with him, but this time .. He didn't care. I was hurt. I was crying my eyes out. He told me he didn't love me anymore, he had no feelings for me at all. I was so hurt & didn't know what to do without him, I still loved him. I had no one to turn to.. Except my cousin Jessica. (Bad Idea.) I was sitting at home with Strep crying my eyes out, Talking on the phone when I shouldn't, It was painful. I was sick & had a broken heart. Jessica still talked to Nathan & it hurt me. So I asked her to stop, she said yes. & She told him she couldn't talk to him anymore. Me & him were still friends, but at first not very good ones. But then I was sitting here thinking she wasn't talking to him or anything. But then she got grounded. Why? Because she was talking to him when she shouldn't of been . Behind my back. Then she told me she'd tell me why in person. & said I could punch her if I wanted. She didn't tell me on the computer. But I remembered her password for her email, so I went on there. Only to find all these facebook messages. She dated him behind my back twice. I was hurt, I couldn't stop crying, I started cutting myself , I was screwed up. I hated her, I 'hated' him, I hated life. I wanted to die. How could the cousin I'm closest too, do this to me? I was lost, with no one to turn too. I didn't really hate Nathan , I loved him. So much. But I told him different. Behind my back Nathan & Jessica talked about how I always call myself a genius, but I'm really not. They were saying I'm not that bright. & were laughing at me. They basically called me stupid & laughed about it. They were selfish, they knew how I'd feel about it, but didn't care. They were planning to come over my house & kiss ! AT MY HOUSE. But I was sick, so I'm glad I was sick & they never came over. & It's disgusting because they basically virtually dated. They only met once, when me & Nathan were dating. Well anyways, I forgave Jessica. But I don't trust her. She lied & told me she didn't like Nathan & stuff but she did. I tried being Nathan's friend, but he doesn't want me in his life & it kills me. I tried so hard to get him out of my life, but he crawled back in wanting to be my friend (only because Jessica told him to be my friend) But now, I want to be his friend & he wants nothing to do with me. It kills me, but I live with it. I still love Nathan, but I love the old him, He changed.. I have no interest in the new him. I just want my Nathan back, the one I fell in love with, the one who loved me. I love Nathan more then Jessica. Why? Because she's family, & did that to me. Like I said, I'll always love Nathan.. & I care about him so much. He may not feel the same, But I wish him the best in life, I hope he finds someone special that'll treat him right. I love you Nathan ... <3