Scard for life

ashley

It all began 7 yrs ago when I met my ex boyfriend... dated him for 6 long years... until he broke off with me 2 days b4 he got married... it wasn't bad enough he had knocked me up and raped me when he was drunk ( i was only 17)but I had to get an abortion but also getting married to someone else whom I had no idea about..for 2 yrs I remained single..I felt like I could never love anyone again until I met the most amazing guy in my life... and taught me a diff way of loving and caring .. theres not a day where he doesnt see me or does anything to bring a smile on my face..Everything he does is for me just to see a smile on my face... but what does it do good when you feel like you don't deserve it after being treated like crap from someone for 6 yrs being abused and tortured physically and mentally for 6 years... and then all this amazing thing happens..and still its even worse coz u feel soooo insecure and you think your not worth getting all this for..I dont have many friends I grew up with a strict household I wasnt allowed to go out and do other stuff most girls wud do at my age..I guess my ex took advantage of the fact that i could not be around as much so decided to play around as much as he could , lie to me , abuse me whenever he could cheat me on and not tell me about it and sometimes tell me about it if he was drunk.. and now it hurts me to leave the guy of my dreams because I make his life hell.. what my ex has done to me has scared me for my entire life.Iv become possessive,jealous,insecure when I was never these things before.Im always scared about him leaving me after what happend to me and I try and try but I just cant seem to let go off my past Its been almost 4 years and yet I have lost the faith in men ,even if I m with the right person now.. whome Im deciding to let go very soon because hes tooo amazing to be taken all this from me..I m not stable whatsoever and he has no reason to put up with me but still I cant just seem to get a hold of my life and I'm soo confused... I have let him go today... I cant do this to him anymore.no girl would probably be as lucky as me to find someone who is faithful, committed, wants to be around you all the time includes you with his guy friends buy presents for u all the time, takes you for dinner every night surprises you with gifts every other time but.. he doesn't deserve this.. Im mentally unstable and I cant offer him much.. which is why i'm more devastated now.. people say forget the past move on.. and even if you have.. there's always a part of your past that sticks to you always and even if you hate and regret the stuff u did.. every time it comes to u it still hits u really hard.. n leaves a permanent scar that wont ever die off..I dont know if ill ever be able to be myself again.. but I hope.. if im ever lucky . that I marry this guy whose been the world to me.. and hes avaible by the time I complelty change myself and learn to live life the way I used to and get back on my feet again... i have no job no money and have to depend on my family for everything and they hardly give me 20 dollors a month and even for that Id have to beg them...I want my life back.... im losing it.. I have no idea how much more Id be able to take this... everything seems dark and cloudy now....everyday before I go to sleep I pray I dont see the sunshine the next morning.. and I want that feeling to go away...